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Miss Alli: B- | Grade It Now!
Heidi, Queen of Snots

Previously on Dances With Malaria: Matthew was the Bermuda Triangle of Tambaqui friends, because everyone he aligned himself with took a long walk off a short plank and got snuffed. Prejudice-heavy Roger tangled with top-heavy Daniel over chores in general and water-fetching specifically. It occurred to Jaburu that utter failure to get off their fannies and work would, in the jungle, eventually lead to starvation and an infestation of little bugs of various kinds, just like Mom always said. Therefore, they all got together for a rousing chorus of Veni, vidi, Viva: "I came, I saw, I really wished I had a roll of paper towels to clean this dump." Deena became leader of the pack, even though the cute girls were always putting her down ("Down! Down!") and saying she came from the wrong side of town ("Whatcha mean when you say that she came from the wrong side of town?"). Heidi, Jenna, and Shawna got bubbly and absolutely could not get over how freaking adorable they were. Could! Not! Get over it! Ultimately, when the women grabbed immunity in a machete-heavy cage match, the men voted off the hapless Daniel, who left after clumsily revealing that he had been allied with Matthew. SNUFF! Matthew glared. But then Daniel went off and got malaria, so he got his. Oh, and my email server thanks you for taking my word for it when I say: Yes, I know. It's manioc. Not mantioc. I am fully informed.

Who will be voted out...tonight?

I have to say that aside from the hysterically serious music, my favorite part of the credits is the two pig-like beasts they show right after the shot of Roger. Heh.

Morning comes to Camp Jaburu. Everyone is snoozing except Joanna, who is up and dressed and ready to unsheathe her machete and start her day. She starts sharpening it, which makes a scraping racket that echoes through camp. I have a feeling the feverish danger associated with weapon-sharpening is crucial to Joanna's ability to start the day on a positive note. Hey, mine too. I'm telling you, the grapefruits are just for practice. I am not to be trifled with. In other news, it appears that Jenna is sleeping with her glasses on, in case you needed any more evidence to convince you that she's a moron. Not that you should. "Oh, Lordy," Joanna says as she sharpens. "Lordy [scrape], Lordy [scrape], Lordy [scrape]. What a day in the Amazon." Jeanne, the next to get up, works on pulling her hair back into a scrunchie. Wow, I'm totally thinking my punk band should be called Scrunchies in the Jungle. But we'll be all tricky and wear barrettes, because the young people love irony. Jeanne reminds us that this is Day 10, and they had all decided to get up early and work on the shelter. Wow, is the shelter not done yet? I think they're going to finish it on the day they leave. It's going to be like that movie with Kevin Kline and Anakin Skywalker where...well, never mind. It will take you fully the first eight minutes of the movie to figure out where it's going, so I don't want to ruin it for you. Anyway, we see Jeanne gathering some sticks and stuff as she explains that everyone should be feeling enthusiastic about working, because they have a lot to do. Please. I don't think Heidi and Jenna could be rendered enthusiastic about working if working were all that was standing between them and death by mysterious jungle diseases. Oh, wait -- it is! And -- they're not! Get how ahead of the game I am! I am so money.

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