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Miss Alli: B- | Grade It Now!
Heidi, Queen of Snots

Jeanne and Joanna discuss the goals for the day, and Joanna complains that whoever was supposed to be watching the fire before her apparently slacked off on the job (she calls them "some trifling folk"), because when she woke up, there was no firewood and the fire was out. Jeanne says she'll just go get a bunch more wood. Joanna's not crazy about that solution, because Jeanne already fetched wood yesterday, but Jeanne says she doesn't care. I notice that Jeanne and Joanna are both wearing silver hoop earrings, and I have to think that if I had as many things to worry about as they do, I wouldn't want to worry about earrings. Especially hoop earrings. Talk about an invitation to injury. Slowly, the other women of the tribe begin to wake up, in part because of the noise Jeanne and Joanna are making with all their know, work. Shawna complains in a voice-over that she wakes up every day to see Jeanne and Joanna shooting her dirty looks for not working enough. It doesn't seem to occur to her that this might legitimately have anything to do with all the ass-sitting. She describes it instead as "a total martyr thing," and says it's driving everyone crazy. I assume she and the other non-martyrs aren't sitting by the fire, then, or taking advantage of the other work that the martyrs are doing, because if you're going to be resentful other people's attempts not to die of exposure with their feet in the air like a dead bird in a cartoon, the least you can do is not then sponge off them. We see Joanna straightforwardly ask the rest of the tribe not to scatter nutshells around where they sleep. I think the idea is that this practice attracts bugs where you might hope no bugs would be. Someone halfheartedly apologizes, because Joanna is such a killjoy. She's very inflexible with all the not wanting tarantulas crawling in her mouth while she's sleeping.

Heidi begins the sucking that will be her pattern throughout this episode by voicing over that what matters is what gets you ahead in the game, not what gets you ahead in life. She says that working to obtain food and shelter may be good for real life, but she's only worried about the game. Her lazy mooching ass is all about strategy, you see. She certainly did luck out that her strategy seems so ideally suited to her character. She also refers to the work that's being done by Jeanne and Joanna as "extra work." You know, I think Heidi needs to get out her Hello Kitty dictionary, risk cracking the heretofore-unbroken binding, and look up the word "extra." It occurs to me that it takes work to live in the jungle, not that Heidi's six functioning brain cells would make her aware of this fact. Making a fire so that you can boil water so you don't die is not "extra work," Count My Ribs Barbie. It's just work. In another blow for the sovereignty of the free rider, Heidi asserts her right to "maybe take a nap today." Well, I certainly don't want her to strain herself. Or, you know, reduce the time she has available for lying around on her ass. She ends this interview with a little what-can-I-tell-you gesture with her hands that is so repulsive that it hurts to look at it. She is so odious that it's hard for me to find the words. And I know a lot of words, too. Insulting words in particular.

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