Survivor
Survivor

Episode Report Card
Sara M: B | 631 USERS: C
YOU GRADE IT
Trojan Man

Ozzy and John walk back to camp. On the way, Ozzy pulls John aside and says they should "help each other out as much as [they] can." John, of course, agrees. Ozzy then tells John his "worst case scenario" plan if Savaii loses again: voting Ozzy out to Redemption so he can beat Christine in time for the merge, then re-join Savaii so they'll have a numbers advantage. John's just like "uh ... yeah? Okay?" because he cannot possibly understand what Ozzy is talking about or why he's doing this. I certainly don't. Ozzy says he'll give his idol to someone in the tribe and hope he gives it back if Ozzy returns to the game, and then John interviews the entire plan for us again just in case we were too busy laughing at how stupid Ozzy is to hear it the first time. "It might be one of those big moves I might have to make," Ozzy says, thinking that he is just so noble and important. John butters him up, calling the move "admirable," then interviews that if Ozzy does what he says, it'll give John another three days on the show.

And now is the time when Coach goes back to his Douche ways. You know it's coming because we're watching him wave his arms around from the point of view of a helicopter, which always means we're about to see a Douche Warrior Pose Montage. But this time, it begins with a prayer: "Father, you've been so faithful to me in this game," Douche says, like, I'm sorry, but now God is being faithful to Douche? Really? REALLY? Geez, you give this guy a tiny bit of adulation and he just can't handle himself. "I am not worthy. I am not worthy. I am not worthy, Father," Douche Wayne Campbells. I love how the editors, clearly bored out of their skulls this season, put subtitles in for that even though it was easy enough to hear.

And then, the warrior poses. Douche narrates that his tribe is sad as a shot of the fucking sun hovers around Douche for no reason other than the fact that it's ridiculous before dissolving as Douche reaches the conclusion that if he tells the rest of the tribe that he has the hidden idol, it will surely lift everyone's spirits. Because nothing cheers someone up like finding out that someone else has immunity. Oh, and then the sun comes back and hovers over Douche for a while before expanding and fading out as an eagle sound effect plays. I mean, I could describe it here all day long but I could never do it justice. I love bored editors.

Survivor

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