Trojan Horse

Episode Report Card
Sara M: B | Grade It Now!
Trojan Man

Ozzy and the blonde stage the beginnings of a comeback when Albert can't get the last bag untied. When Probst announces that Ozzy and the blonde are caught up, Albert just rips the bag off, which is apparently legal even though the rules said you were supposed to untie it. Whatever. Ozzy actually unties his bag and heads back, still behind Upolu. And they'll be even further back, as they have trouble with their rope not being tied onto the guide rope correctly. "Cochran was in charge of getting them hooked in and HE DID NOT DO A GOOD JOB!" Probst cries, making sure we all know that this is John's fault and not Ozzy's (or Jim's, who seemed to be the person who did the hooking in the end ... ). Also, what the hell time is it when they did this challenge? Sometimes it looks like the sun is about to set and sometimes it's perfectly bright outside.

Sophie and Albert get to work on the releasing and pairing up the masks, while Ozzy decides to re-hook himself to the rope so he can actually move without getting caught up every three steps. "THE WAY IT SHOULD'VE BEEN IN THE FIRST PLACE!" Probst announces to everyone who might have thought this was Ozzy's fault and not John's. It doesn't even matter anyway, as Douche is leading his tribe in a prayer that is sure to give Sophie and Albert the edge. "Nobody can help at this point!" says Probst, who apparently hates God. But he totally comes through, as Albert and Sophie get their masks paired up right and Upolu wins.

There's a really cute moment where Sophie goes in to hug Albert but has to just stand there with her arms outstretched because she can't actually see him. And then it all goes to shit when Douche demands that everyone get on his knees to pray while Ozzy just starts punching various inanimate objects in frustration before yelling at "you guys" for not hooking him and the blonde girl in correctly. While the rest of Savaii, including Dawn (who is probably more sincerely religious than anyone else there, by the way), fume, Upolu pray, pray, pray, ending with "in Jesus name, AMEN!" I don't understand what happened. Like, when did this reality show turn into the Trinity Broadcast Network? Have these people all been talking so fervently about Jesus this entire time and they didn't show it until just now? And then Ozzy runs up and jump-kicks the wall, so I don't know which team is more mature here and I hate everyone.

Probst gives Upolu the idol and asks Douche if this was a big win for them. Well, no shit. Of course it was! And now this gives Douche another chance to talk about God and how he gave them the win, as if God likes Upolu more than Savaii. Fuck that. The loving God these people purport to believe in should favor everyone. Probst says Upolu now has the advantage, and Li'l Li'l Russell points at the sky. But Probst clarifies he meant they have one member more than Savaii does, not an advantage in a possible unearthly teammate. Douche gives the losers a douchey thumbs up and leads his tribe off to the movies.

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