Trust No One

Episode Report Card
Joanna: B- | Grade It Now!

Jeff tells us he hopes Mike does lose the knife to get a "valuable reason" to go off on the bastard. I wonder if he meant "viable reason." Elizabeth, in her squeaky squeally piglet voice, tells us that the "knife might as well be a pig." She says they haven't yet seen a single pig. But have they seen a married one? Sorry, couldn't resist. Elisabeth continues with, "Believe me, if I see a pig I wanna eat it," but she believes Michael's purpose is just to "catch one on his stick just like, 'Rah, rah.'" Elizabeth is like the SNL cheerleaders. She wants to "Beat! Beat! Beat!" the other team, and later we discover that Kucha is the tribe "with heart," which sounds like a perfect lead-in to "We got spirit, yes we do!" Michael then gleefully introduces us to the "Pigkiller." Jeff tells us that Michael is all about "the spear, the stupid spear," and in a whiny sing-songy voice he imitates Mike and says, "I'm gonna go catch pigs," and follows through with, "Classic Mike, he's an idiot." He continues taunting with, "I wanna see your pig. Go get me a pig," which is my favorite line so far this season. And also, "I wanna see your pig" fits perfectly into the opening lyrics to Rob Bass's "It Takes Two," which are "I wanna rock right now." As Jeff says this, we see lots of shots of Michael crafting his spear and grinning to himself like the idiot got away from the local village. The camera shows us a cute little black piggy scurrying in some brush. If Mikey gets a pig, it ain't gonna be pretty here next week, people.

At Ogakor, Tina tells us Survivor is harder than she thought it would be and that she's craving something called "dureet toes." Colby tells us that Ogakor hasn't yet had meat, and that the lack of protein is "taking its toll." Maralyn is wearing leggings, which my mother calls "leggins," as she goes off to check the mail. After praying to the "great Aboriginal fathers" for kindness, she realizes she should have prayed for different team members instead. The clue is about "making a big flop," and trying "not to be crushed by the weight," and "rising to the top," which recalls another great hip hop song of the early '90s, "Jump Around," which included both the lines: "I'm the cream of the crop; I rise to the top," and "I never eat the pig 'cause the pig is a cop." We've just confirmed that there are shout-outs at work here. To whom and for what reason goes beyond me.

The reward, we learn, is fishing gear. Jerri tells us the main reason they haven't been eating is because they haven't caught fish. Not eating? I thought Jerri's Tortilla Shop (I prefer to call it Ye Olde Jerri's Tortilla Shacke) was feeding the masses. Amber says they're running out of food and that she'd love to catch a "fish out there...or something," and I then picture the shiny wet black boot they always catch in cartoons, and that would actually be pretty funny for Mark Burnett to orchestrate. Keith tells us he knows the challenge is physical, but he can't tell from the clue whether it's a group effort or for one team member. He says that if they have to choose one person, they'll choose Colby because he's the strongest. But what if this task consisted of writing a great song, or drawing blood? I heard nothing in that clue that suggested the work of only one person, so I think this might be our first instance of overt outside interference, like the cameraperson said, "Do you think this physical challenge is a team or individual effort, and if it is an individual effort, who do you think is the strongest?" Maralyn tells us, "Cowboy can handle any challenge," and Tina says, "He would die before he would fail us," which seems a little dramatic to me and I guess Tina doesn't live by the same rules since she failed her team last week. Cowboy tells us that the others say "his stock won't fluctuate" based on his performance but that "internally" he doesn't believe them.

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