MONDO EXTRAS

Jeff asks Rory about the fact that his wife stopped him from burning down the camp when his time was drawing to a close. Rory responds that, actually, being interrupted in his plans for pyromania is actually his one regret about the way he played the game. Well, that's nice to hear. Jeff actually seems kind of pissed, too, at Rory's wife's having "talked [him] out of one of the greatest Survivor moments to never happen." I think Jeff would have liked it better if Rory had not only burned down the camp, but salted the earth and buried the bananas.

Now, Jeff says that tomorrow morning, Chris will get his big check and the keys to a Pontiac G6. And he will locate a lot of relatives he never knew he had.

And now, it is time to preview the next season of this rapidly deteriorating franchise, which will start distressingly soon. The "sneak peek" reveals that this is "the most stunning location yet." Aren't you surprised that they feel that way? Where are we going, exactly? Palau. Surprisingly, Jeff claims that there are people who have called it "the eighth natural wonder of the world." It's an island. With jungles. And water. So it's totally nothing like the last three seasons in a row. And what will the theme be, comparable to Vanuatu's volcanoes and the pirates of the Pearl Islands? Well...war! Mm, tasteful. I can't wait to see the end-of-season March of Dead Survivors. But the least welcome news of all is that they are doing exactly the wrong thing and bringing twenty freaking people, up from eighteen in the last two, which was up from sixteen in every one until then. This just smacks of desperation to me, like they can't think of anything to do except keep making the whole thing literally bigger, which is not what it requires. Will Jeff be on stilts? Will the voting urn be a fifty-gallon drum? Will the voting parchments be poster-sized? At any rate, Jeff promises that it will all change.

Jeff closes the show by pimping the charity auction and the opportunity to apply. (But "don't call if you're going to quit." Because no time is the wrong time to bash Osten.) And then Jeff gives a cheap sap to the "loyal audience," because it's all for...us, I guess...and then he says, "Alli, your hair will grow back. Get well." I'm not even making a tacky joke about how he's probably not talking to me, but it's not like I couldn't.

Huh. Well, that season was a load of crap.