Survivor is back and it's "like you've never seen it." Except not for me since I don't have an HDTV because 1.) I'm poor, and 2.) I think they're a little bit too sharp. I watched the Olympics on an HDTV and was disturbed to see the female divers' armpit stubble, so I can't imagine how horrifying some of these contestants are going to look in a few episodes. But have fun with that, HDTV people! There's the obligatory shots of African wildlife while the Survivor Look At The Exoticness And Grand Majesty Of Our Location Orchestra plays. Then Probst steps in front of the camera -- oh, wait, I'm sorry, that was a gorilla. Ah, there he is! No, my mistake again -- that's a chimpanzee. Ah, there's Probst! Standing in the most dangerous-appearing location he could find: the edge of a cliff. He introduces us to Gabon (pronounced Gah-BONE hee hee hee), which he claims is untouched, so maybe they won't be filming in peoples' backyards like they have in previous seasons. You think I'm kidding, but I'm not. With that, a helicopter flies over the untouched wilderness and films it while probably leaking fuel into the waters, thereby polluting them and killing off the wildlife. Whoops! Probst says 18 Americans have been flown here (so helpfully illustrated with a graphic of a map and a line tracing a route from "USA" to "Africa" that The Amazing Race puts to shame on a weekly basis) in nothing but their street clothes. We see our 18 dopes as they're led across a field by two Africans in "traditional tribal gear" because Survivor is obsessed with preserving the illusion that its contestants are in places so remote that the people who live there have never seen electronics or blue jeans and wear loincloths and wooden shields every day. Not that that's any better than what our contestants are wearing, as several men are wearing suits, which is great survival gear. And I see at least one woman with a tube top dress, which is freaking stupid. Haven't these people seen enough of this show to know that there's a very good possibility that they're going to be dropped in the middle of nowhere with the clothes on their backs and little else, so they'd better dress practically? Actually, I have a feeling that the contestants don't really get to pick out the clothes they show up in anymore.

Anyway! The first contestant we meet is Crystal, a 2004 Olympic gold medalist in "the women's 4x400 relay." I love how she felt the need to tell us she participated in the women's event. She thinks her "blazing speed" will help her win "the hell" out of this game. A pointdexter-looking guy wearing a bowtie tells us he's a high school physics teacher, which I could have guessed just by looking at him. Do all physics teachers have to resemble Bill Nye? Because Bob does and so did my own physics teacher. Weird. GC feels the need to tell me his whole life story. He was a troubled teenager but he's turned things around and is thrilled to have the chance to win a million dollars. And here's a bald guy named Ace: "I'm from America, but I grew up very well." Apparently, those two things are mutually exclusive. "Going to different countries, flying on Concordes and being in the best hotels -- with money," he finishes. Hey, I wonder if this guy is rich? It's hard to tell. One thing's for sure: he's a prat with a fake English accent.

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