And we're at the first Tribal Council of the season! It comes with its own snake that I'm sure wasn't actually there when the host or contestants were despite what the editing wants us to believe. Fang enters and Probst holds back his contempt for them long enough to recite the Tribal Council fire-life-torch speech. With that, he starts things off with Dan because Dan is a hot young athletic man. He asks him how he thinks Fang did at the immunity challenge. Dan says they did "okay." Probst was apparently expecting him to say "we sucked!!!!" because he makes Dan repeat himself before saying that Fang is both a "complete disaster" and "in total denial." Whoa. Africa makes Probst really angry. He's even crankier than Randy, I think. Dan doesn't agree with that and says he's looking forward to the next challenge, where he's sure they'll do much better. "Okay," Probst says with a condescending chuckle. Yes, folks, he won an Emmy for this.
Probst turns to Michelle next, and she gives him what he wants to hear. She says people were taking breaks during the challenge, like Ken (Michelle, you little backstabber!) and GC, who she actually calls G-Sizzle. GC tries to defend himself, saying he was exhausted and needed a break. If that's the reason they lost, he's sorry. Not sorry enough to give away his immunity idol, though. "Well, it wasn't the reason we won," Michelle snots; "cause we're sitting here." Wow, she and Probst apparently forgot to get their anti-bitch shots before coming to Africa. Does Michelle think this is really going to help her case at all? Dan tries to be diplomatic and says it's impossible to go 100% all the time. "Um, that's what a challenge is. That's what a race is. You don't stop 'til the job's done," Michelle says. Wow. I think ... does she want to get voted out? She must. She can't possibly think arguing with EVERY SINGLE person there is going to help her stay, right? Susie's had enough of the spoiled brat and says Michelle should have said that during the challenge. Michelle says she didn't stop digging. Susie says she should have talked to the team, too. Crystal points out that she was telling everyone to hustle. Good for you, Crystal. Thus far, you are a disgrace to Olympic gold medalists everywhere (including Curling), so you might want to stay out of the spotlight. And now everyone's arguing, so Probst shakes his head at this team of fools. And lets them continue, because he knows good TV. Michelle is determined to have the last word, so the argument can't stop until she does. Probst finally speaks up to innocently claim that he just asked a "simple question" and this pathetic excuse for a team had a huge argument.