Survivor

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Elephant Dung: A Love/Hate Story

With that, the "natives" stop and point the contestants onward, one of them doing so with such force that it causes a musical flourish. Probst narrates that our players will be forced to work together and adapt, etc. etc. same speech every season. The producers pay Matty $50 to repeat the tagline about Gabon being "Earth's last Eden," which it totally isn't in my opinion because I saw shots of alligators and my idea of Eden includes no animals that could eat me, not to mention the fact that you have to have like 20 shots before you come to this "Eden" in order to prevent catching a variety of terrifying diseases. Anyway, take it away, Probst! "39 days, 18 people, 1 Survivor!"

I have to admit that I do love the theme song and the new variations on it that are introduced every season. This one has African singers. At the end, someone appears to be peeing on the Survivor: Gabon logo, which is just rude.

During the theme song, Probst climbed down from his mountaintop lair and is on the field to greet the new players. They make their way to King Probst as cutaway shots to an elephant and its baby (cute!) try to make us think that they're close to wildlife. Probst welcomes them with "welcome to Survivor: Gabon. Earth's. Last. Eden." They are in love with that tagline, aren't they? Time for introductions! GC introduces himself as "Danny" even though the opening credits said his name was GC. I don't understand. Danny doesn't have a G or a C in it. Anyway, he's a maintenance supervisor. There's Bob the physics teacher. Jacquie sells "medical devices" (which could be anything from MRIs to enemas) and spells her name like someone who wishes she was important and special. Ken claims to be a professional video game player and a college student. He's also a giant nerd. He claims to be "number one in the world at videogames" (specifically Super Smash Brothers, a game that requires no skill whatsoever. You mash buttons together and hope you don't randomly fall off a cliff. That's it.) and says he's a "huge-time strategist." Unfortunately for him, Survivor involves things like fresh air, physical ability, and human contact. Thus, he knows he's an underdog. And here's Marcus, who's a bit of a mystery man in that he will only say he's "in the medical field." He also says it's good to see Probst because he thinks sucking up will get him somewhere in this game. It won't. Probst hates all the new players, and he hates you. Charlie is a "management consultant" even though his graphic will later say he's a lawyer. Matty is a personal trainer. His bio says he managed to blow through a huge trust fund his grandparents left him by partying, so he's not much better than Ace. At least he doesn't have a fake accent. Susie is a part-time hairdresser AND (she's the one who emphasized the "and," not me) a mom and a wife. Paloma is a student and either a surfer or a server. One thing she isn't is articulate. She's also wearing a tube top dress, which makes her a moron. Seriously, if I showed up to this show and they told me I'd have to wear a tube top dress for up to thirty-nine days, I'd totally quit. One million dollars is not worth being so uncomfortable. I still get the shivers thinking of that woman in the Pearl Islands season who had to wear a dress and a thong for three days until she was mercifully voted out.

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Survivor

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