Survivor

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Elephant Dung: A Love/Hate Story

Probst says that in the entire country of Gabon, the elders typically make the decisions. Bob and Gillian know what's coming next and nod their arthritis-riddled necks. Just so you all know, these days Gabon is a democratic country with elections and everything. Unlike Probst would have us believe, it is not run by a sitting council of old people. Or if it is, they were elected to the position first. Bob steps forward and says he's 57. Gillian doesn't say how old she is, but steps forward and no one argues with her. They stand on opposing mats and Probst, who can't remember Gillian's name (way to prepare for the show, Probst. It's only 18 names. Come on) says they'll be choosing their teams. They can choose a man or a woman, but they must choose carefully, as this will be their tribe until like episode 3 when the producers mix the teams up. Probst says all they have to go on are the contestants' names and what they say they do -- if that is what they do. Way to blow up Crystal's spot, Probst. With that, Probst follows Gabonian tradition and has Bob and Gillian do rock-paper-scissors to pick who chooses first.

Bob gets paper to Gillian's rock to go first. Wow, Gillian couldn't even win rock-paper-scissors. That's funny in retrospect. Bob picks "baldy," a.k.a. Ace. "Guy with the shaved head," Probst says very generously. It's quite clear to me that Ace's head is only shaved because most of it was hairless anyway. Gillian either shows an incredible mastery of all Olympic event winners or stupidity by picking Crystal. Cut to the young, athletic men (and Ken), unpicked and confused. Ace is a prat, so he says that as a photographer, he should have a model. He picks Sugar. As she skips up to her new team, Probst looks utterly disgusted with Ace's choice. Crystal picks Susie, saying moms have to stick together. Yet again, the hunky muscular men (and Ken) have been passed up. Ha! Charlie is pissed off and says they're playing "stupid Survivor" now because Susie is not athletic and therefore will not help her team win immunity. Unlike Charlie, who's a tiny little guy with chicken legs. Yeah, I'm sure he'll win those things single-handedly. "Interesting so far," Probst fumes. Oh, he just HATES it when contestants on this show don't recognize that young hot men are where it's at! Sugar picks Marcus, "the farmer-looking boy." Susie takes "surfer dude" Matty. Probst asks Matty how he feels being on what is clearly the loser tribe of three women. "I got three moms!" he says. Marcus picks Charlie, who flamboyantly sticks his tongue out and bounds over to his new team and squeals and hugs Marcus, which he may or may not be comfortable with. Might want to find out what people's boundaries are before you invade them, Charles. "Charlie's happy!" Probst understatements.

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Survivor

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