Survivor

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Sara M: B- | Grade It Now!
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Elephant Dung: A Love/Hate Story

Matty picks Randy, who suddenly comes to life and slaps everyone on his new team's hands. Charlie picks Paloma, who's looking really athletic in her tube top dress. Nice pick, Charlie. Really. You're not playing stupid Survivor at all! Randy picks Dan. Paloma picks "my lady, Kelly." "YAY!" Kelly says. Don't get too excited, Kelly. We wouldn't want you to kill one of the few brain cells you have. Dan picks Danny, who tells everyone to call him "G-Sizzle" or "GC." Um ... no. I will not call him G-Sizzle. That's stupid. Kelly picks Jacquie because she's blonde. No, really. That's what she said. GC picks the last man standing, Ken the video game player. Jacquie picks Corinne, leaving Michelle to join Gillian's team. But not before Probst can ask her how she feels to be picked last. "I'll learn to love you guys -- maybe," she says. Dan charms her by saying they have no problem with adding another hot girl to the team.

Probst hands out the buffs. He tells Gillian that her tribe is red and named "Thong." Really? Thong? That can't be right. Ah -- it's not Thong, but "Fang." It sure sounded like it, though. The other team is yellow and they will be named Kota. And now it's time for their first challenge, much to everyone's surprise because they have clearly never seen this show before. Yes, it's time for the individual immunity idol race. Teams will race each other to the top of a very steep hill. First one there gets the idol. Also at the top are the team's essentials, although Probst only mentions one specifically: a bag of rice. And there's more! The first tribe to have all members at the top of the hill wins an additional bag of corn and beans! Probst asks the contestants if they'll race out ahead selfishly to get the idol or work as a team to get the corn and beans. How can they work as a team here? Carry each other on their backs? Shockingly, when Probst says go, they all race ahead selfishly. Probst has to race along with them, which is funny.

I was expecting Crystal to be in the lead here, but she's totally not. I hope for her sake that she's losing on purpose so as not to show her hand because a gold medal runner should have blown past everyone, men and women, in this race and she isn't even in the lead of the women. Probst has to take a breather. Weak! Gillian falls behind and Matty and Dan fall back to help her. Huh. I would not have done that. I would have gotten the idol first and then gone back to help, although perhaps that's not allowed. Maybe once you cross the finish line you can't go back. GC and Marcus are in the lead at the hill and Probst makes sure to scream out that they're looking out for themselves. Wow, that hill is very steep. Bob is surprisingly strong, and gives Paloma a hand up even though, as Charlie's pick, she's really athletic. Marcus gets the idol for Kota while GC and Michelle, trying to prove that she's not last-pick material, are racing for the Fang idol. GC gets it. Michelle would do herself a few favors here by turning around and going back to help her team since she knows she can't get the idol, but instead she crosses the finish line and says her new tribe isn't very smart because she is clearly the strongest girl on their team and they picked her last. Uh, yeah, Michelle? Crystal is the strongest girl on your team. And she's back there helping people get up the hill so you can eat corn and beans. "They can kiss my ass," Michelle concludes.

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Survivor

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