Survivor

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Sara M: B- | Grade It Now!
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Elephant Dung: A Love/Hate Story

I now regret saying that Crystal was strong because she's struggling on the hill, and poor Matty has to push her up from behind. Susie and Gillian struggle as well. Probst delights in pointing this out to show that they were wrong for picking mothers over models. "This isn't even close!" he says, barely able to keep himself from doing a happy dance. While Michelle stands at the line and watches, the rest of Kota easily make it across the finish line. You'll note that before Jacquie crosses the line, she turns to make sure she doesn't need to help anyone behind her. Matty is now pushing Gillian up the hill and he complains to us that Gillian could be a real liability for them when it comes to physical challenges. In fact, he describes her as a "huge huge huge load to carry" while we see him push on her ass. Meanwhile, Crystal tries to defend her abysmally poor performance by saying she can run, but the hill was hard and her tennis shoes weigh "at least ten pounds." The hell? Where is she getting shoes that heavy? And why would she bring them along? I have a feeling she's pulling what I do at the gym when I weigh myself with shoes on and don't like what the scale tells me. I go "ah, well, it's actually ten pounds less than this because I'm wearing shoes." It's not true for me then and it's not true for Crystal now. Gold medalists shouldn't make excuses (unless it's in the face of positive doping tests)!

Kota cheers for themselves for winning the challenge. Hilariously, Bob is wearing his buff as a bow-tie. Bob rules. Probst turns to Fang and pretty much says they suck at life and will have a hard time in this game if they don't get better. With that, the teams head out to their new homes.

After the break, we hear from Marcus, who the graphic says is a physician. Because he's PERFECT. He says being in the wild like this is "really, really scary" because "you don't know what's around the next tree." As he says this, a crew member wearing the arm from a monkey costume swipes at some branches while monkey sound effects play. Narrator Marcus continues that they finally came upon a campsite with the Kota flag flying over it. We see that they're near a large lake and have been given two small dilapidated huts. Kota cheers. Hell yeah, they're cheering. Has this show ever given tribes shelter to start out with like this before? Not in a long time, that's for sure. Lame, but they probably had to do it because the contestants aren't allowed to disrupt the pristine African wilderness by cutting down trees to make their own shelters or something. Marcus claims that his tribe could all be eaten by leopards and "no one would know the difference." Except for the huge film crew and staff of the wildlife preservation I'm sure they're filming this at. I refuse to be frightened for these people's safety when it comes to animal attacks.

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Survivor

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