What The…?, Part I

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B+ | 1 USERS: A+
The Pecs Take A Powder

And now, Jeff cements his position as The Coolest Host Ev-ah. He looks at Osten and says, "Let me ask you something, Osten. Have you wondered what the hell you're doin' out here?" HA! That was so brilliant. And he delivers it with this very friendly, very disbelieving, kind of contemptuous smile that really sells the line so well that if you didn't see it, you can't really appreciate it. Ah, Jeff. Marry me, you bitch. Osten says that he's clearly "out of [his] element" (big shocker), and that it's the kind of situation where he figured he'd just "give it a shot." He doesn't want to live his life saying, "What if?" Logically enough, Jeff turns to Andrew for a take on this rather self-serving version of events. Andrew, quite correctly, says that quitting would bring about its very own version of "what if." Like, "What if I hadn't quit?" presumably. "I can't presume to walk in his shoes, Jeff," Andrew says. Especially since they are the Shoes of Shame.

Jeff begins to wind up for the big kick in the ass. "Well, Osten," he says, "I don't pretend to know what you're thinking, either. But I know this: I've been in about a hundred tribal councils. Never, ever, seen anybody lay down their torch. So this is a first for me." He then asks all of the members of the tribe to confirm -- just right there around the fire -- that they're willing to let Osten go. I thought that was odd, that Jeff didn't put them through the pretense of voting, but I guess he was trying to take the best possible advantage of the quitting thing by making it quite clear that This Is Different. He knows what he's doing, the Probst. "Grab your torch," Jeff says to Osten, who approaches him and the snuffer. "Per your wishes," Jeff says -- SNUFF! -- "Go home." Dude. That was seriously the best torch-snuffing ever, ever, ever. Best there ever was, best there ever will be, unless somebody makes out with Jeff. Me, for instance.

If you're inclined to feel bad for Osten, don't forget that, to some degree, this is just a matter of Osten's mouth having written checks that his pixelized ass couldn't cash, which have just come back marked "Insufficient Funds." He got way too much pleasure out of talking about how much more he had to offer than Ryan S. to think, now, that he won't pay for those remarks when he gives up the ghost completely.

When Osten is gone, Jeff takes his torch and actually lays it down on the edge of the fire pit. Osten quit -- do you get it yet? He then faces the tribe. "With all due respect to Osten," he says in that way that makes you just know he's about to show absolutely no respect to Osten, "people work too damn hard to get in this game and fight to stay alive. He wants to lay his torch down? So it shall be. Who knows? Maybe this is the best thing to happen to the Morgan tribe. All I know is, you will head back to camp. Soon after, a new tribe member will arrive. I can promise you this: That person? Wants to be in this game." He sends them off. Awwwww, yeah. I have to say, it has been a huge boon to this show that they've taken the leash off the host in the last couple of seasons. He's clearly a smart guy: he watches, he pays attention, and it's a good idea to let him vent. He speaks for the viewer, much of the time. Yay, bitchy Jeff!

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