What The…?, Part I

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B+ | 1 USERS: A+
The Pecs Take A Powder

In an interview, Rupert says: "I was ready to kill Jon. Literally. Grab that little scrawny ass by the neck [sic] and pop his head off him like a fucking chicken." So...yeah. The guy just told you he lost his shit, and he doesn't seem to be offering any alternative explanations. It's especially satisfying to see his "Troubled Teens Mentor" title superimposed over him while he's giving this speech, because there's certainly nothing that troubled teens need more than a guy who responds to frustration by fantasizing in detail about physical violence. Back at camp, Rupert continues his tirade as Jon continues to try to retreat. "I'm out there kicking my ass [sic] getting you goddamn fish and you fucking turn the tribe against me!" Rupert yells. It's a good point, you know, because Rupert did save all of their lives. If Morgan had come away with a reward challenge and taken "his" spear, the entire Drake tribe would have died. It's totally true. I bet CBS is sure glad they put Rupert on the island, because that would have been a lot of wrongful-death lawsuits to settle!

By the way, if you're keeping track of his mounting delusions, it's fascinating that Rupert completely fails to realize that a big part of the reason he got votes in the first place was his ill-conceived decision to flaunt in everyone's face how cozy he was with Morgan, as he did with Andrew and the rice-looting. It was Rupert's very own need to show off how he was the boss of everyone that convinced Trish that...hey, maybe he was the boss of everyone, and maybe that meant he needed to leave. Had he been booted at this tribal council, the boot would have been the hoisting and his ego would have been the petard.

Anyway, Rupert yells and threatens some more, and Jon tries to get him to calm down some more. I'll give Rupert credit for one very interesting accomplishment in this scene -- he manages to make Jon look sane and mature.

Over by the fire, Christa and Sandra and Shawn do their little post-mortem on how stupid Trish was to have moved against Rupert, because obviously her theory that Rupert's got the rest of Drake doing his bidding has no validity whatsoever. Yep, clearly. Shawn is particularly smug, which...oh, Shawn. Foolish, foolish Shawn. He really does think he just did something smart. It's a wonder that boy can floss his teeth without a map.

As the Rupert/Jon business finally settles down, Jon interviews that he's never seen a guy go off like that in his life, and that Rupert was clearly quite prepared to hit him. ["I find it difficult to believe that Jon-- Jon -- has never been on the receiving end of a near-beatdown before in his life." -- Wing Chun] Jon goes on to snot that on top of his general concern about Rupert's growing influence, he didn't appreciate the way Rupert helped Morgan win the reward challenge for the shower, so he continues to be suspicious that Rupert might not be entirely loyal. He also basically explains that, like all failed wrestler wannabes, he's a deeply bitter person who never forgets a slight. He undoubtedly still remembers every wedgie he got in the seventh grade. And the eighth grade. And college. We return to the big fight, which has now degenerated into a perplexing discussion in which no one is making any sense whatsoever, presumably because neither of these guys is all that bright. Jon says that he heard that Rupert said something about having the ability to jump to Morgan after a merge if he wanted to, and Rupert insists that he said no such thing. Rupert further claims that if he thought that way, he would have "stayed and made the Morgans stronger." He goes on: "I would have stayed there and said, 'You Drakes are dead.'" Wait...wha? By staying long enough to take a shower, which is the only choice Jeff offered him? What is he talking about? That must have happened on one of the secret episodes where he was given the choice of joining Morgan permanently.

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