What The…?, Part I

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B+ | 1 USERS: A+
The Pecs Take A Powder

Drake decides that they'll have some "popcorn" before they go. This consists of frying some pieces of coconut, apparently. Shawn and Jon get into another argument, because Shawn doesn't think that they have time to get into cooking up the coconut, so they can cook one up later. Jon is totally spoiling for a fight and is completely determined to push other people around. He's also doing the ganging-up thing that insecure pricks sometimes do where he's showing off for the rest of the tribe how much he can beat on Shawn. So Jon turns this -- which really started out very innocuously with Shawn saying, "Eh, we don't have time to cook it, so let's eat it raw and we'll cook one later" -- into a referendum on Shawn's character. Whatever, Frizzy Zoeller. Adding to the maturity level a little further, when Jon calls Shawn an asshole, Shawn invites him to fight. What's with the bully routines from these guys this week anyway? I swear, Drake does more dick-measuring than a team of porn spam fact-checkers. Sandra interviews that she doesn't care if Shawn and Jon fight, as long as it doesn't affect her. So wait, of all the available interview footage, they had to show Sandra saying she's...indifferent? Riveting.

But enough of the alpha-male-offs -- it's challenge time. The teams make their way through a field to a clearing where there are a bunch of cages and one Jeff Probst waiting for them. The tribes line up on their mats. Jeff gives them a little speech about all the things they've endured since they've been on their respective islands, and mentions the people they've voted off. Those people, he explains, have only one thing in common: they're not in the game anymore. "But that may soon change." A ripple of unrest goes through Drake and Morgan. Or, in Osten's case, a nipple of unrest. "Your past has come back to haunt you," Jeff says. He calls into the jungle, and who should step out but Nicole, Ryan S., Lill, Burton, Michelle, and Trish. The only person among the remaining players who's smiling as if he finds this amusing is Ryan-O, quite predictably, because he's the only one whose picture you have any chance of finding in the dictionary under "easygoing." Jeff explains that the six bootees are returning as a "ghost tribe." He reintroduces the members of the ghost tribe, and the funniest thing by far is that Ryan S. is wearing a buff on his head with big letters that say, "DIE, JERKS." Now that? Is hilarious.

"Do you guys have a tribe name?" Jeff asks them. "We're the Outcasts," Burton remarks gravely. Jeff goes on to make another of his rather limp pirate analogies that has something to do with people who are thrown overboard sometimes returning as ghosts, who would return from the dead with only one thing on their minds. And really, who better to discuss what's on her mind than Michelle? Jeff asks her what she's after. "Revenge, baby," she says very unconvincingly. She really can't pull off that remark at all. When she says "revenge," it sounds like a yearbook theme. Tense music plays as the existing players look around nervously. We close, of course, on a shot of a psychotic-looking Rupert. "WHO THE HELL BROUGHT THESE PEOPLE BACK?" he is thinking to himself. "AND ON MY BIRTHDAY!"

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