Survivor
What The…?, Part II

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Miss Alli: B | Grade It Now!
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Andrew's Own Medicine Tastes Terrible

At any rate, they're now competing for individual immunity. Jeff explains that today's competition is based on the old pirate punishment tradition of keel-hauling. Essentially, if you were a bad pirate, they would drag you under the boat, where you would have to hold your breath, and where you could be cut up by barnacles or eaten by sharks. Sounds just about right for Jon, if you ask me. I suspect they'll wind up diluting it, though, which is a damn shame. Jon torn up by barnacles would be good television. I would watch any show that was called Jon Bleeding. I would watch Jon Bleeding: The Mosquito Bite Chronicles, or Jon Bleeding: The Paper Cuts, or Jon Bleeding: Bar Brawls and Other Beatings. But I digress.

Basically, how the challenge works is that you dive into the water and swim under a long, narrow platform by pulling yourself along a rope. When you emerge on the other side, you climb up a ladder and out, and then you race back to the starting point. They'll be running two laps to a heat and two heats total, with the top finishers from the first round competing in the second. It's really not a lot like keel-hauling, given that there are no sharks and no barnacles and it only takes a few seconds at a time. But the pirate theme continues, so let's just go with it. It could be worse. I have to assume plank-walking remains in the offing. And maybe shooting parrots off of people's shoulders. I can't wait.

The first heat involves Tijuana, Christa, Rupert, Jon, and Sandra. Way to put Rupert against a tough field of challengers. (Eye-roll.) Rupert is in the lead the whole way, and a particularly pitiful showing from Sandra brings up the rear. In the end, Rupert and Jon are the top finishers who will be advancing. How delightful. It's a sad water challenge when the people who win are the ones you'd most like to see drown.

The next heat involves Andrew, Burton, Darrah, Lill, and Ryan-O. The most notable thing about this heat is that Andrew is totally in the weeds the entire time. He claimed in a later interview that he was without glasses or contacts, and thus couldn't see at all, and from what we can see, that appears to be a plausible explanation, relatively speaking. Ryan-O and Burton make a particularly nice sight emerging from the water, I must say. Very scenic. It's all about Burton and Ryan-O sprinting to the finish. And actually, I'm all about Burton and Ryan-O sprinting to the finish.

So, our final round consists of Jon, Rupert, Ryan-O, and Burton. Because of the rope-pulling aspect, this was primarily an upper-body-strength test, which certainly explains the presence of three of the four finalists. As for Jon, I don't know. He's got various deals with Satan in place, so...whatever. The final round involves five laps instead of two, so there's a little bit more endurance involved and, one hopes, a little more opportunity for the better guys to distinguish themselves.

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Survivor

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