You Guys Are Dumber Than You Look

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: D | Grade It Now!
Fans And Favorites Are Neither

We return to Jeff, who tells us that they'll be creating a new society, blah blah blah Lord Of The Flies-cakes, and I am really distracted by how much one of the men on the "Fans" team looks like Martina Navratilova. Jeff is once again doing the pose where he's hanging on the side of the helicopter -- strapped in with 300 ropes and bungee cords and a few rolls of duct tape, all of which has been CGIed out of the picture -- as he reminds us that there are thirty-nine days, twenty people, and only one survivor. Well, only one more survivor. And then the helicopter dives down toward the mini-islands of Micronesia, and Jeff plunges to earth in a fiery...just kidding.

Credits. Indeed, it is the boobiest, Martina-est season ever.

When we come back, the "fans" are still being paddled to shore by the other dudes, and how come they don't have to paddle? Could this show be any softer, Chandler wonders? It's pouring rain as the fans land on the beach and walk up to Probst. Jason ("Gymnastics Coach"), a muscled but kind of smurfy-looking dude who very nearly has The Rachel haircut, tells us that this is one of his lifelong goals, to be on Survivor, and I kind of want to start crying. Tracy ("Residential Builder") can hardly find the words to tell us what it means to her, and I think she doesn't have that many words to pick from, quite truthfully. She also goes out of her way to talk about how amazing it was to see Jeff, and that's when I'm like, "Stop sucking up and trying to get your talking head on the TV, Buildy." Jeff breaks it to the group that they will be playing against "some of [their] favorite Survivors from seasons past." And they all get excited, because they all think it will be their actual favorite Survivors from seasons past, and that is only maybe...half-true.

The first one out is Cirie, whom everyone is genuinely excited to see. She's so nice and so appealing that I don't know how you wouldn't be. And then Ozzy, whom I think it takes a second for them to recognize without his hair, but then they go nuts. Erik ("Ice Cream Scooper") (for serious) tells us that he knows all about Ozzy, but that because he's competed in track and field, he thinks he can keep up. Hmm. Does track and field have swimming and scrambling up trees? No? Then I'm thinking that if you can keep up with Ozzy, that's not going to be why.

And then Ami comes out in a sort of blah blue dress, and everybody's like, "Ohhh...huh?" Because seriously, nobody has any idea who that is. This is why they should have used actual superfans, which these people, with a few exceptions, clearly are not. A superfan would have been like, "YAAAY!" or "BOOOOO!," depending on his or her gender.

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