Survivor

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The game begins. Mike is the only contestant to break a tile in the first round. Matt, Ralph, and Steve manage to get on the board on their second attempt, while Mike gets his second tile and keeps his lead. Matt and Ralph break another tile each in the third round, while Mike goes three for three. Steve misses, putting him in last place. In the fourth round, Mike breaks his last tile to win the game. Wow. He basically smoked that challenge. Or would have, if it wasn't so lame to begin with. Probst says that Mike just won some "in person, up close love from family." Probst always has a way of making a nice visit with one's mother sound so dirty. The rest of the contestants miss their tiles, and I don't think Steve is even trying to hit his. I think he wants to leave this game and go to the Loser's Lodge and eat so much food. Matt and Ralph break their third tiles in the next round, while Steve's miss gets a silly "boing!" sound effect. Matt and Ralph manage to break their fourth tiles in the next round, which no one is more happy about than Steve, probably. Probst sends Steve away. He says nothing more than "thanks, Jeff." No good-bye speech, no post-game interview footage, nothing.

Probst then calls Mike forward as his mother runs out. "How's she look?" Probst asks. Ew, Probst. What a weird question. "Amazing!" Mike says. She blows him kisses as Probst says that Mike now has a decision to make. Of course. He can give up time with his mother to "buy some goodwill" (does anyone actually believe that, by the way? No juror is going to give Mike the million over someone else because he or she got to spend time with Mom) with the jury should he be in the Final Three by letting Matt and Ralph see their loved ones instead. Said loved ones walk out. Yay! It's Matt's hot brother! And Ralph's farm friend. Probst then says that Mike can also choose to let the remaining contestants spend time with their loved ones, who then come out. Grant's brother-in-law is still wearing that little scarf. I hope Onomatopoeia enjoy seeing their family members from afar, since there's no way in hell Mike is picking them. Probst asks Mike for his choice, and Mike starts talking about how he was reading the Bible the other day and someone told Jesus that his favorite commandment was the one about loving your brother like you love yourself. From this, he has decided that the right thing to do is to "do the most good for the most people," and let the Onomatopoeia assholes who ruined his tribe and treated him and his allies like crap see their family members. Probst can't believe what he's hearing. He asks Mike's mom what she thinks about this, and she says that she expected this kind of thing from her son, who is a selfless hero. And a sucker. Probst sends the Redemption Islanders back to camp sans family members and farm friends. Onomatopoeia thanks Mike on his way out. "Don't vote me off again," he asks, and they all laugh because they know damn well that the second Mike comes back in the game and they have a chance to get rid of him, they absolutely will. They reunite with their family members in slow-motion and head back to camp.

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Survivor

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