Well. It's time for another season of Survivor, this time located in Nicaragua, the country you don't really like to talk about because it kind of sounds like you're saying a racial slur. Probst welcomes us to this "remote, mysterious, and dangerous" country, but that's how he describes every place this show shoots (along with "unforgiving" and "hostile"), so the novelty wore off for me long ago. Probst claims that "ancient rainforests battle for survival" against volcanoes, although I think we all know that by "volcanoes" he means "cattle ranchers looking for grazing areas." Suddenly, we're introduced to our twenty new contestants, as they walk through some Nicaraguan guy's overgrown backyard that we're supposed to think is an unforgiving and hostile jungle, beginning with a blonde surfer-looking guy who doesn't really matter because LOOK! it's Jimmy Johnson, two-time Superbowl winning coach! For some reason, Survivor is shitting itself with excitement over having this guy on the show and wants us to, as well. I'm not, though, because Taj from SWV was all the celebrity contestant I'll ever need. Oh, and also because I went to a Survivor Finale party way back in Season 9 and Jimmy Johnson was totally there (I have pictures to prove it!), so clearly, he knows someone behind the scenes at Survivor and therefore shouldn't be allowed to even be on this show. Such a set-up. So lame. Also, nice under-boob sweat you've got going on your shirt, Jimmy. In interviews, various contestants make snap judgments about their new tribemates except for Brenda, who only talks about herself: "I'm single. I'm single single single. I'm very single." She plans to use her flirtatious ways to her advantage, which is great, since we've never seen that before on this show. Finally, Probst does his tradition opening speech from high atop some random rock formation in the middle of the ocean and we begin!
Twenty contestants, split into two teams, approach the beach where Probst is waiting for them. "Woman in the plaid, what's your name?" he barks. Way to do the pre-show research, Probst. He's not even trying anymore. I think that's why they took him out of the opening credits that it took him like 18 seasons to get on in the first place. Woman In The Plaid introduces herself as "Yve," which is pronounced "Eve," but not spelled that way because almost everyone on this season has either a ridiculous name or the same name as another contestant. Thanks, guys. Probst asks Yve if she can get an impression of people just based on the way they look. Yve says yes. Yve, by the way, is wearing a plaid shirt as a dress, no pants, and cowboy boots. So my impression of her is that she has no idea how to dress for this show or at the very least has no backbone to refuse to put on the impractical wardrobe those mean producers assigned to her. Med Student Kelly B. is wearing pants, and for good reason, as she explains in an interview that her right leg was amputated when she was six months old, but she's going to try to keep that quiet for a while so her tribe doesn't assume that she's a weak contestant. If she insists on keeping those pants on for the entire game, they might assume she's a Nevernude, which is far worse. Marty interviews that he recognized Jimmy Johnson and wants "nothing to do with Jimmy Johnson in this game. And frankly, I have no idea why he's even here." Marty seems like an asshole, but I kind of like him just for that comment.