Hey, guys and gals -- it's time for a new season of Survivor! So let's all pretend that terrible previous season never happened, okay? Because it was terrible. And it's not like I remember every season anyway. There are whole seasons that are just wiped from my memory bank. Like there was a season in Thailand? And one time they divided the tribes up by race? Vague memories. So let's start fresh because there definitely won't be any reminders of seasons past now, right? RIGHT?
A military helicopter soars over the Pacific Ocean, and guess who's inside? No, not Jesse Ventura. He doesn't have time to bleed. It's Jeff Probst! And the newest contestants! Probst explains that the helicopter is being flown by the Nicaraguan Air Force. Everyone in America: "Nicaragua has an air force? How much did the US pay for that?" How come Probst gets to stand up and walk around while everyone else is strapped in? Is it to prove how studly he is? Because that thing has an open back and if they hit one air pocket, Probst would be flying out the back. That would be bad. I shouldn't laugh, just thinking about that.
Let's meet some of the new castaways. First up is a totally normal, average guy. He's middle-aged, but looks to be in good shape. His name is Phillip. He owns his own software company. Okay, I get it. He's smart, but he probably likes to hike and rock climb on the weekends, right? And then they put up his chyron and he explains that he's a former Federal Agent. Except the chyron lists it as "Former Federal Agent?" So either he's lying, or the show couldn't verify this information, or both. So that's your first clue that Phillip might be a little bit looney tunes. And he seemed so normal for the first three seconds I knew him!
Then there's Matt, a pre-med student and a Christian. I was just watching that House episode where House bullies one of the candidates to join his team due to his religion, and wonders how he reconciles a literal translation of the Bible with science. That is a good question. I would suspect they don't think about it much. Anyway, Matt is like Fabio 2.0 except obviously smart if he's in medical school. Then again, he's pre-med, which just means he's taking some anatomy and physiology courses. If he hasn't passed organic chemistry yet, I don't consider him a med student. That was the dream-killer in my undergraduate years. Many a friend changed majors because they couldn't pass o-chem.
I just noticed that these people have already been divided into tribes. So Phillip and Matt are wearing orange buffs and they are on the Ometepe tribe. And our newest castaway, Ralph, is wearing a purple buff and he's on the Zapatera tribe. He's also wearing overalls and a shirt with the sleeves cut off. I will give you three guesses as to what kind of accent he has and what his profession is, based on that information. Oh, don't get fancy with your guesses. This is Survivor He will absolutely fulfill the stereotype; he's got a Southern accent and he's a farmer. Why he is not chewing on a hayseed also, I do not know.