Swingtown

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I'd Love to Stick Around, But I'm Running Behind

Trina and Tom are still trying to deal with the desperate boredom that sets in when you and your hot self are forced to have sex with only one other remarkably attractive person. Their solution: tie Trina to the chair, blindfold her and play the "guess what I'm going to put in your mouth?" game. My problem here is that my inner practical joker would come out and whoever was on the receiving end would undoubtedly not find that terribly sexy, even when I pointed out that "you said you liked a sense of humor!" Fortunately for us, Trina and Tom are serious about their sex. But not so serious that they can't take the damn phone off the hook first. Honestly, doing that would have saved them a world of irritation, especially since the call came from a couple -- Andrew and Michelle -- who are apparently both crazy-sexy and just plain crazy in the sack. Tom's physical pain at having to say they've closed the marriage is only slightly less excruciating to behold than his ascot-and-banana-hammock ensemble. And with that outfit, I am confident some lucky scribe just won some form of writers' room bingo.

We cut to Janet sobbing over her crush on Tom: "He's gorgeous, and he's an airline pilot, and he has this little mustache. What am I going to do?" The shrink asks, "You're absolutely sure this is not an avenue you're going to explore?" Janet is all, "Wait ... I could do that?" and then comes to and eliminates that possibility. Dr. Gardiner says that Janet's just going to have to "nip this in the bud." Janet looks both relieved at being told what to do, and sad that she has to cut off one of the few things that made her a little happy.

Susan's skipping rocks across the pond when Laurie comes up to talk to her. "Why did you marry Dad?" Laurie asks. Susan replies, "Laurie! He's your father!" Laurie says she's not trying to be insulting, but she's honestly curious "what was it about him that made you think you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him?" Susan stalls on the question, and Laurie asks, "If you hadn't been pregnant with me, would you have married him?" Susan says unhesitatingly, "Not then. But later, sure." She then tries to sell Laurie (and herself) on Bruce's virtues: "He's a good man. He is kind and smart and loves this family." Laurie is still grappling with the whole swinging thing; she wants to know if Susan still wants to be married to Bruce, and if that's the case, why her parents are messing around with other people. Susan justifies, "Relationships are complicated. They change over time -- you can't understand that right now." No, Laurie can't understand that at all, because it's all so simple when you're single-mindedly obsessed with your first love. "It is simple! You love him or you don't. It would kill me to see Doug with someone else," Laurie says. Susan snaps, "Do you think your father and I never had that? We did. We felt exactly the same way you do now ... you can't compare what you're going through to a relationship that has lasted 18 years. It's not the same thing. One day you'll understand that." Laurie bleats, "God, I hope not." Oooh, she's so annoying. If she remains so willfully obtuse throughout her dating life, she is in for a lifetime of disappointment -- and of blaming her parents for messing her up.

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Swingtown

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