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Teach Your Children Well…

The Unicorn is passed out on the Deckers' couch. Tom covers her up with a blanket as Trina sees the last of the guests off. She comes over and comments that The Unicorn may have scared Roger and Janet away. Tom admits, "I may have had something to do with that." But he's not about to admit exactly what that is. Trina sighs, "Such a waste, huh? Perfect unicorn." Tom oozes over next to Trina and coos, "There's only one unicorn in my book, baby." The two proceed to get busy.

We cut back to the Millers. Susan's expression says it all: It has been a long night. It is probably going to get longer. Laurie is protesting that she can't be grounded because she's "practically" an adult, and Bruce hotly points out that " 'Practically' and 'actually' are two very different things. How old is he anyway?" Laurie dodges that with "Do I need to remind you what you two were doing at my age?" Neither one of her parents reminds her that they brought her into this world, and they can take her out of it if the smart mouth continues. In fact, they let Laurie ramble that Doug's not a creep, but a philosophy professor, and that's how it hits both parents that their daughter is dating her former teacher. Laurie goes on the attack by huffing about how her parents were "getting stoned with those freaks" and Steve growls, "Watch it." Oh, he is about to break out the "I brought you into this world ..." threat! Except then Susan completely takes Laurie's side. Score one for the kids -- they know that the divide-and-conquer strategy works on their parents. Bruce reigns it in and asks, "What -- what has happened to this family? Ever since we moved into this house -- no wonder our kids are off the rails. [turns to Laurie] The buck stops here. We are taking back control of this family, there is [sic] going to be a lot of changes around here." He stomps upstairs, and Laurie imperiously says, "What is that supposed to mean?' It means don't push your luck when your parents make those kind of dramatic statements, because that's how you end up with them completely emptying out the contents of your room for a week. Um, not that I'd know, or anything. Bruce doesn't know. He leaves Susan rubbing her forehead against the headache that's come on. The distaff members of the Miller house huff off, and we see Sam and BJ sitting on the porch outside. He's watching, sort of shocked, and Sam sweetly reaches over to pat his leg. Team Bam all the way, baby!

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