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Teach Your Children Well…

It's now time for the ladies' big reveal as they walk into the club. They're still arm in arm in arm, Janet's looking smokin' hot in one of Trina's red disco dresses and her hair down. The club décor is enough to give any self-respecting archaeology student a breakdown, as it freely mixes and matches Grecian, Roman and Egyptian kitsch from across several centuries. Janet looks like she's not doing too well either, but she dryly comments, "This will be one for the scrapbook."

Within moments, the ladies have spotted their husbands andscream?" and Janet replies through a tight smile, "I could scream." Sylvia burbles that Harry Reems just loved Janet, which, OF COURSE would be the case. We cut to the guys and see that a predatory-looking woman in a raspberry-colored wrap dress is giving Roger the eye. Tom then explains to both Roger and us that the smoking-hot single woman headed his way is what's known as a "unicorn." He explains, "She comes out of nowhere looking to play and trots off just as fast." At this point, the writers seem to be in a competition to see who can make Grant Show coo the cheesiest lines.

Everyone splits up to find their respective spouses, and Tom moans to Trina, "I feel like a kid in a candy store ... in handcuffs." "And not the fun, fuzzy kind," she agrees. We cut to the Thompsons; The Unicorn generously offers to show them around. Janet gamely goes along; Roger looks like he was wishing she would have said no.

And now, this week's contractually-obligated The Children, Won't Someone Think of the Children? plotline ... BJ and Sam are attending a party in Ricky's basement. Proving he is his mother's child, Ricky has set up a full bar on an ironing board and is mixing a drink when his latest guests arrive. Ricky then flings an arm around Sam's shoulders as he drags her over to a Pong-playing crowd as proof that he knows actual, live girls who will consent to spend time with him. The look Sam throws over her shoulder to Ricky is the perfect mixture of What the hell? and You know if this goes south, it's on you, right? Ricky then sits down to a Pong game with Sam, under the impression that he's about to whip a girl's butt at the game, and BJ cannily bets a dollar on Sam ... and then we cut to Sam issuing what appears to be the most recent in a series of stinging defeats, if the piles of money she and BJ are raking in are any indication. Having stripped Ricky of all his cash, Sam decides she should go home, but Ricky protests, "It's early. There are plenty of other games we can play." And by "games," he means "Spin the Bottle." When Ricky takes his first spin, the Coke bottle lands on another boy and Ricky vigorously defends his reputation with "Sorry -- I'm not spending two minutes in the closet with a dude." He spins again and lands on Sam. Both of them look at BJ, who's like, "Physics spin what now?" and Sam shrugs, "Whatever. Let's go." BJ looks trepidatiously at Sam's departing form; it doesn't help when Ricky makes a show of reminding everyone not to start the time until the door shuts. Once they're inside the closet, Ricky turns off the light. Sam laughs and says, "Don't even think I'm kissing you?' Ricky immediately rebuts, "Who says I even want to?" The two begin chatting -- Ricky wants to know why Sam showed up, and she says, "Because BJ asked me to." Ricky tries to get under Sam's skin with, "Ah, BJ ... he's just got a thing for strays. Lame dogs, abandoned cats, broken birds -- he can't help himself. I should know; he's been my friend my entire life." Ricky waits for Sam to feel devastated, but if he thinks his little insults have any effect on a girl whose mother failed to notice when she ran away from home, he'll be waiting a while. Sam says, "It's pretty obvious how you feel about him. At least to me. And that's fine -- nobody's trying to take him away from you." Ricky can't stand the idea of anyone thinking he's less than 100% heterosexual, so he lunges toward Sam and tries to kiss her. We cut to outside, where BJ is anxiously checking his watch, so sadly, we only hear Sam's epic slug and Ricky's squeal of pain. Sam takes off, BJ takes a moment to let Ricky know he's p-i-s-s-e-d, and then Ricky's left to explain to the crowd that he did not just get punched for forcing himself on a girl in a panic over the possibility that he might actually be gay. Or, you know, lie about how it all went down. (On a side note: assuming Ricky eventually works through his issues, survives the AIDS epidemic and comes out publicly, can't you just imagine Janet turning her local P-FLAG chapter into an unstoppable juggernaut?) We then see BJ managing to catch Sam in their driveways, and Sam snaps, "I don't need your pity! I'm not some stray animal you have to take care of." BJ's like, "The who in the what now?" Sam continues, "I don't go to parties! I don't drink! And I don't play stupid kissing games." BJ replies, "Good. Me neither." And then he steps forward and kisses Sam. This time she kisses back. All right! Whatever sweet nothings they were going to exchange are quickly lost as both of them turn to watch the Davises beat a hasty retreat, followed immediately after by a still-shirtless Doug. But the good news for BJ is that it looks like Sam's unlikely to punch him. Go, BJ!

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