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Teach Your Children Well…

The Millers and Davises are now seriously stoned, listening to Marvin Gaye, and BSing away. Sylvia explains Brad's "season of passion" theory: "Human sexuality is perennial, like flowers." Like some flowers, I would add. Pity the unlucky soul whose libido is like a petunia. Brad cheesily says, "I like to categorize my wife as a hothouse orchid. She's always in bloom ... " And then all of them begin laughing hysterically. Hidden behind the bar, Doug whispers that the hiding is silly, and they should just sack up like adults and deal. "We'll say I was helping you," he reasons. "With what, some kind of philosophy emergency?" Laurie replies. Doug says they could always try telling the truth: they came over to watch the GOP nomination. "Maybe your dad would be cool with that?" he adds hopefully. Laurie isn't listening, as she's just realized her parents are baked. We see the Millers and the Davises dancing. Bruce and Susan are mumbling about how they should go for it, and the spousal couples swap dancing partners just as Doug crawls out of the bar. His expression is horrified, and he's all, "Perhaps we should just stay here and cover our eyes."

Over at the Deckers', Roger appears to be having the same reaction, as The Unicorn backs him into a barstool and begins what she clearly thinks is an erotic dance. Perhaps in her world it is. Janet rounds the corner, just in time to see The Unicorn pointing out that she's got breasts, stares for a moment, and heads out to the back yard. Tom notices all of this. A second later, he comes out to ask if Janet's okay, explaining, "Roger's just having a good time. Don't make this something bigger than it is." Janet says haltingly, "I used to think I knew what he needed, but, this .,.. [points] ... if what's happening in there is what he needs --" "Whatever's going on in there with him can include you! And it's better if it does," Tom says. Janet gives him a Bitch, please look and says, "People might see Roger that way. I, on the other hand, am not the kind of person any of your friends would ... want like that." Tom rebuts that argument by sweeping in and kissing Janet. I unabashedly admit that the first time I saw this, I shrieked. Tom pulls back and tells the shocked Janet, "You are a beautiful woman. Don't you ever forget that. Roger is a very lucky man, and he would be a fool to forget that. A little attention from someone else is only going to bring it all back to you." Having dispensed his sexy, soothing words of wisdom, Tom leaves. A shocked Janet silently watches him go.

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