Episode Report Card
Sobell: B+ | 2 USERS: A+
Want To Keep Your Marriage Intact? Sleep Around.

Over at the Miller manse -- where Doug has, I believe, watched TV before -- Trina is thanking Susan profusely for keeping some of the clams and lobsters. Susan asks why the Deckers are doing a clambake if Trina can't stand the smell, and Trina explains, "Tom's been closing out the summer with this party since he was a little boy." Hands up, all of you who imagine a small Tom with mustache already in place. Tom reminisces fondly that, "My dad used to fly puddle jumpers full of Maine lobster up and down the coast. It's a Decker family tradition." He then excuses himself to go dig a firepit on the shore of the lake, and leaves the ladies to gossip. Susan says fondly, "I'm trying to imagine Tom as a little boy." You can't do it without the mustache, can you, Susan? She continues, "He's really just a big kid anyway." Trina says, "He sure is. So! How did everything go between you and Roger at Janet's birthday?" Susan says soberly, "We're never seeing each other again. Oh! It gets better. I think Bruce is officially having an affair with Melinda from his office ... I caught him on the phone asking someone if the window was still open, and a few minutes later, he headed downtown to pick up his briefcase, and he didn't get home until after midnight." Trina says, "It could just be a misunderstanding," and Susan replies flatly, "Bruce is a terrible liar. His briefcase was sitting in our hallway the entire time." Trina looks sad for Susan and probes for what Susan plans on doing about it. She says, "Trust me -- the longer you wait, the worse this will get."

And in this season's final The Children, Won't Someone Think of the Children? plotline ... BJ rescues a few lobsters from the Deckers' stash because he's the one Miller child who spends time trying to be the change he wants to see in the world, as opposed to jawboning about how other people should change the world to meet his or her specifications, LAURIE. (There is a truly funny moment when Ricky, trying to be supportive of BJ's new pets, reads aloud, "Lobsters can grow a pound a year ... and they can live to be 40." You just know he's imagining a grown-up BJ hauling around a tank of giant mutant lobsters.) Then there's a sweet goodbye scene between Sam and BJ, where she asks him to hold on to the pendant with her dad's wedding ring, then she kisses him. "I want you to have the pendant," she says. "As long as you promise to come back for it," BJ replies. Where did that boy get his game? Lord knows it wasn't from Bruce. Unfortunately, those CB radios don't actually reach to Naperville, so BJ and Samantha lose touch. And to add insult to injury, Gail has proven herself to be like so many other addicts -- capable of lying to anyone so long as it gets them off her back and leaves her alone to pursue her fix. The final shot in that plotline is of Gail resuming her coke-whore ways, while BJ watches from his room in dismay. A sympathetic Ricky pats BJ on the shoulder when he sees this. Hurrah for Ricky's personal growth!

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