Tarzan

Episode Report Card
Pamie: B- | 1049 USERS: B-
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TarzanLovesJane.com

It's daylight instead of night now, but it's supposed to be at the same time, so whatever. Jane wanders through the office and finds Gary, who's leaving. They give each other mean looks in slow motion. Gary's hair has so much product it's about to get its own Queer Eye spinoff. He gets right up and almost kisses Jane, and then walks off. God, this show is so lame. Sam tells Jane that the lieutenant won't let them hold Gary. Do you think they changed the captain to the lieutenant because Sam and Jane are supposed to be detectives? Since Darcy won't testify, they "got no case." Sam says there's nothing they can do. "Yeah, there is," Jane says, and runs off.

Outside, Jane runs after Gary. Where's Darcy? Jane asks him to hold up. Gary keeps walking, and tells Jane to stay away from him. Luckily, there's never any traffic, so they can just walk across the street.

Tarzan's watching from the roof. Man, Tarzan. Get a life.

Gary threatens a lawsuit. Jane says this isn't over, and that Gary won't see Darcy ever again: "I'm gonna be all over you 24/7. I'm gonna reopen that Toronto case!" ["Dude, what happens in Toronto stays in Toronto." -- Wing Chun] Jane's so celebratory about this that I think she's about to burst into a song about a monorail. Gary asks what's the matter with her. "I know who you are," Jane says. "You are somebody so small, and so tiny on the inside that you need to dominate a woman to make yourself feel big." My cats have to pull me back from destroying the television set. Jane follows Gary, laughing and taunting, pulling the ol' detective standby: The Chicken Card. Jane says, "You got, what, sixty pounds on me?" "[scoff]." I agree, closed-captioning. I wholeheartedly agree. "Lay me out. Like that girl you killed, right? She didn't think you were man enough, either." Jane is up in his face, flirting with Gary, who can't resist her crazy reverse psychology! Jane: "Show me what you showed her. Come on, Gary." Jane's whispering, smiling. "Come on," she hushes. "Show me what you showed her." Gary is about to show Jane a boner, but Tarzan swoops in and fucks everything up. Gary composes himself and walks away, and Jane's pissed off: "Dammit, John! I had him!" She's so mad she has to turn away and say that to the air. She was about to get bitch-slapped outside the police station, making it her easiest case yet! Tarzan doesn't understand, because his brain comes and goes, and only knows that Gary was going to hurt her. Jane blinks and pants. She calms down and walks back to the station, where Sam congratulates her on a job almost well done. "He was just about to swing on you --" (nice pun) --"'til Goldilocks swooped in." Sam then says the required lines per episode about how one of these days Tarzan's accidentally going to hurt her, and Jane says again that he'd never hurt her. And then, check out this shit: Sam says, "You know who you sound like? Darcy." Aw, shit! That's some cold-blooded, stone-cold truth right there. No, you di'in't, Sam! That's fucked up, yo. I gotta leave the room with my arms up and my head shaking, and then I gotta come right back into this room again because I cannot BELIEVE that you WENT THERE, my friend. You are hella crazy, fool. Dayum. I say it again: Daaaaaaayum.

Tarzan

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