Emotional Rescue

Episode Report Card
Pamie: C+ | Grade It Now!

Clayton easily finds Tarzan's jungle. The camera spins around him as the crickets kick it into high gear. Clayton pants, and Xena pouts. "Tribal" music plays. Clayton looks around, and finds a discarded apple, and some old boxers. "This is where you've been hiding him," he says. "Me?" asks the incredulous Xena. "You didn't even tell me he was alive." More whispering. "You kept him locked in a cage!" We are stuck in an incredible melodrama. "I saved his life," Clayton screams. "I'm pregnant! And it's your baby!" Sorry. Got caught up in the clichéd soap-opera writing. "I found him filthy and alone in that jungle, and I saved him," Clayton adds. So much whispering! And squinting. Xena accuses Clayton of bringing Tarzan back just so that he could have more control over Greystoke.

Tarzan does a giant leap into the air and lands in the middle of this scene. Clayton turns. "John," he says. "Leave," Tarzan growls. Clayton says he's here to help Tarzan, and that he knows what he wants. Tarzan monkey-crawls over to Clayton. Nice boxers, Tarzan. "I said 'Leave,'" Tarzan growls, right in Clayton's face. "You want Jane," Clayton says, close enough to kiss Tarzan. "But you'll never get her like this." Tarzan growls. Clayton: "John, Look at yourself." Whispering now. "Look at how you live. You're like a wild animal." Tarzan's making the ugly face, and not facing Clayton, so he has to watch him from the side. "You'll never belong in this world. You'll never find a place next to Jane until you change. I knew your father." And this makes Tarzan growl again, as if Tarzan thinks his father is the monkey that they shot and not a man who died in a plane crash. Clayton says he knew Tarzan's father better than anybody. "I know who he'd want you to be," he whispers. Kiss him! "Come with me," Clayton whispers. Xena watches, stoically. Clayton looks at Tarzan, blinks, and opens his mouth as his eyes search Tarzan's face. He's trying to find the words, the breath, trying to say what he feels deep down inside: "I love you." I seriously can't stop laughing. Tarzan makes a face like he has to poop. "I just wanna help you," Clayton concludes. Tarzan doesn't move, but he shifts his eyes so that we can see Xena, who's so jealous that these two men don't hit on her as often as they hit on each other. "No," says Tarzan, using his tongue on his upper teeth to say the word. Clayton's insulted face is fucking priceless -- open-mouthed, head cocked, heart-broken. He inhales and shudders. "Please, just give me a chance," Clayton begs. Tarzan says, "Never," and now the two men are breathing each other's breath. Clayton thinks that maybe they'll kiss, and when they don't he asks, "Why?" Tarzan's really grumpy, and frowns a lot. "I see what you are," Tarzan says. Grumpy, grumpy. Sucking on the tongue. "And I ate you." Huh? Oh, he probably means "hate." That's okay, everybody. He's an Australian model pretending to be a jungle-grown ape-man. Cut the man some slack on the "H" sound.

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