Tarzan
Emotional Rescue

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Pamie: C+ | Grade It Now!
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TarzanLovesJane.com

Kill me.

Nicki's working on "homework" while drinking from a glass of flat Coke. There's a pounding on the door, urgent, like something's wrong. But Nicki -- the sister of a detective, friend to a man who hates her -- she just gets right up and opens the door. Screw peepholes or chain locks. This is New York. Everybody knows murderers only live in Toronto. So Nicki screams, but Gary's already in her apartment, pushing her against the wall. "Shh!" he says, like all bad guys do. And Nicki -- whose mouth isn't being covered -- stops screaming. She's so smart. Gary says that she and Jane should have minded their own business. Nicki moans when she sees that there's a gun held to her neck. How she can see something pointed at her neck is beyond me. But luckily we're at commercial, and I hope this episode will be over soon.

Oh, no. Nicki let her kidnapper take her to the second location. She's in the car, crying, and Gary's just driving along. I guess Nicki can't jump out at any of the lights, since New York traffic downtown keeps you driving at such a rapid speed. "Please, just let me go! Please!" Too bad the actress playing Nicki can't cry real tears. Gary says he doesn't want to hurt Nicki. And I shit you not: Nicki looks disappointed. Gary says that Darcy didn't come back home after they were at the station, and went to her dorm room: "Because of the lies that your sister told her. Your lies. I'm so sick of these lies! Now you're going to talk to Darcy, and you're going to get her to come home with me." Oh. Well, that's not too scary. Nicki is busy pulling her cell phone out of her cargo pocket. She dials up "2" -- Jane. This kidnapping brought to you by the Motorola Flip Phone.

Jane's hanging at her office, chillin', cold-kickin' it over some paperwork, when her cell phone rings. She answers. "Hey, Nick." She hears Nicki: "Where are you taking me?" Gary says, "You're gonna help me get my life back. The life I had before you and your sister ruined it." Jane covers the mouthpiece and tells Sam she needs a trace on this call. Sam picks up a phone and starts dialing. It's that easy!

Cut to Sam and Jane in their police car, lights flashing, tires screeching. "1143, 10-4!" shouts Sam, as Jane drives calmly. Sam tells Jane that Gary "drives a gray Cherokee and is headed north on the west side and changing cell zones fast." Fake Chemical Brothers plays to make us feel "engaged" with the "tension" in the "storyline."

Gary freaks out because he's being chased. Seems it would have made more sense just to head to Darcy's dorm for the takedown instead of causing dangerous road conditions. Nicki begs Gary to stop the car. And I don't know, there are so many cars on this chase, that when Jane finally spots him it doesn't make a lot of sense to me, because he's been pursued already by some other cop car. I will stop trying to inject logic and reason into this. Gary looks at Nicki and actually says, "What did you do? Did you call your sister?" You guys. Seriously. What are we doing? Is it worth this? Can't we get laughs elsewhere? When we keep watching this show every week, hoping it'll be funny, but instead just hope that the recaps will make up for the lack of this show's substance, you know who we are? We're Darcy. We're Darcy.

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Tarzan

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