"John!" Jane screams up toward the trees. "Where are you?" Tarzan's in a tree, of course. "Come on," he calls to her. "John, are you mad at me for what I said last night?" Are we in the tenth grade, or eleventh? Wait, wait, wait! Tarzan took off his shirt! But he keeps bending forward, knees up, so we only see his shoulders and part of a nip. Boo! Tarzan asks why he'd be mad. Jane blinks an answer. Tarzan tells her to climb the tree. Jane: "Um. You know what, John? I've never really climbed a tree and I don't see any reason to break a perfect streak." Tarzan accuses Jane of being afraid, and jumps down to help. Jane says she's not afraid. And because you watched Episode Seven of a show that's already been cancelled, you inflicted this scene upon yourself. The music kicks in, and Jane decides she'll try climbing the tree. She drops her sweater and tells Tarzan to move over. And this tree, in the abandoned whatever forest of whatever? It's got a wooden ladder nailed to it. And Jane, who sucks? Jane, who's a total girl, she flails around trying to climb a ladder. She slides and falls. Tarzan tells her it's easier barefoot, so she takes off her shoes. They flirt. Tarzan leaps up the tree. Thank you for that shot, cameraman! Jane is similarly stunned into silence. Then she climbs up the ladder. Didn't this cop have to scale anything to earn her badge? The tree has a rope, which Tarzan unties. Wait. Is this the tree of One Tree Hill? Jane and Tarzan then swing on the rope over the lake. Wait. Is this Young Americans? Tarzan's and Jane's stunt doubles swing back to the tree and out to the water again, where Tarzan lets go, and they fall in slow motion to the water. They come up in slow motion, and they're too far away for us to enjoy them wet and happy. They splash at each other in slow motion. It is as joyless as it is sexless. I'd rather watch cats hump at this point.
Dude. We're supposed to believe that at some point last night Jane and Tarzan played Cribbage. Come the fuck on. Tarzan can't count to fifteen. Well, they weren't playing Cribbage correctly anyway, so whatever. Maybe Tarzan knows some kind of jungle Cribbage he used to play with the tigers. Carey walks into the cabin and opens Jane's wallet, checking out her badge. Didn't she have to turn that in last week? Carey gives the cabin a good stare-down.