Jane thinks they should have left Tarzan. Sam thinks they need to get to the sheriff. "And bring more cops down here?" Jane whines. "No way." She turns back to get Tarzan. Right. Sam stops her and reminds her that Gene and Jeb have shotguns, and she's got nothing. He says they need some help. He walks over to his car and opens the door. As he starts to turn the key, he looks over at Jane, wondering why her ass isn't in the car yet. Is she waiting for an invitation? No. See, Jane -- herself the worst cop in the world -- is partner to the second-worst cop in the world. So neither of them heard Gene (who must have a space/time portal that allowed him to run behind them while also being where Tarzan was), who walked through sticks and fallen leaves to put a gun to Jane's head. Jane instantly goes limp, looking at the ground. "I guess I could have thrown an elbow or something," my friend Laura says in falsetto at the television. "But then how would some big, strong man save me from this?" Martha joins in, "I mean, I guess I could have made a noise or kicked him or tried to stop him or something, since none of us saw a man approach me as we walked to the car. Oh, well!" We continue in this manner all through the commercial break.
Gene tells Sam to get out of the car. Sam says Gene's name. Gene says Sam's name. Sam gets out of the car and tells Gene that if he hurts Jane, Sam will have to kill Gene. Gene responds by putting the gun closer to Jane's head, which makes her wince and kicks off Sam's repetition mode: "All right, all right, all right, all right." Or perhaps he's singing an Outkast song. Sam puts his gun on the hood, deciding not to shoot Gene when the gun was pointed at him. Then, for no reason at all, Gene pushes Jane toward Sam, letting her go. Carey gives a melancholy "No sign of him." Thanks for trying, Jeb. "John's long gone, Gene," says Jane. Jesus, even her rhymes are feminine. Gene says he's going to make Tarzan find him. He shoots in the air. Jane winces and blinks.
Shot of the moon. I guess this is "later." Sam and Jane are now handcuffed to the front of the car. Sam gives Jeb the stink-eye. "Thought he was a friend of yours," Jane says. Yeah, that was rather unclear. Gene litters, so we know he's a really bad guy. "You know something?" he asks. "I freakin' hate the country." He tells Jeb to shine the flashlight up in the trees, because that's where Tarzan will be coming from, so we know he won't be up there. Sam sings, "He'll be coming to get your ass when he comes!" Gene: "Shut up, Sam!" Sam asks Gene how he talked Jeb into torching his career: "What, did you promise him some lottery tickets?" Gene says that the only people torching careers are Sam and Jane. Jane gives Gene a serious stink-eye. Sam delivers the worst line in this show's history. "Oh, really? Because off the top of my head I count kidnapping. I count assault with a deadly weapon. I count ex...cessive force [sic]! Not to mention ugliness under the color of authority [shit]." Sam says that Gene shouldn't have hit a fellow officer. "She's no cop!" Gene screams. He says that his friend Mike died because of Jane. Sam: "Aren't you supposed to be way off this case? Huh?" Sam concludes that Gene had never intended for the lieutenant to find out about any of this: "Was that the plan, Gene, huh? Kill John Clayton when he shows up? And then kill all the witnesses? Is that your plan, Gene?" "Well, when you put it that way, Sam, it does seem like a lot of work...." There's a rustling, and Gene gets impatient. He walks up to Jane and tells her to call her boyfriend. "Call yours," says Sam. Burn. "Drop dead," Jane says like she's Italian, with some weird lisp she picks up when she's playing tough. And Gene punches Jane dead in the face. Then he points his shotgun at Sam and screams for him to back off. "Why don't you hit me like that, you bitch?" Sam asks. Gene tells Jane to call her boyfriend. This show didn't earn this scene. "He'd kill you if he saw you right now," Jane whispers. "Fine!" Gene shouts. And then, honestly, he goes, "Bring it on!" Oh, no he di'in't! "Ring the bell!" Shit, y'all! There's a lot of staring, and then Gene points his rifle at the forest. He and Jeb walk toward the trees. Psych! Just a raccoon! And then BAM. Tarzan swings out, using the one-two raccoon-apeboy switch, the oldest trick in the book! Tarzan beats up the bad guys once again, while Jane and Sam take their sweet-ass time trying to dig the handcuff keys out of the discarded Jeb's pocket. Sam worries that he might be touching Jeb's dick. Jane is worried that Tarzan is about to kill Gene, and warns him not to add to his growing body count. Well, she just goes, "John. John." I make up my own show as it goes along.