Tarzan

Episode Report Card
Pamie: F | 452 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Every Which Way But Loose

Don't try to figure out why the passenger's-side door is open, or why Jane runs to the driver's-side door instead as she shouts John's name over and over. Don't try to see how the car could have crashed into air like it seemingly did. Jane finds Tarzan sitting still, his thumb touching his forehead, his face frozen in a grimace. It's more of a "She's gonna kill me face" than anything else. In fact, it's so casual that Jane drops being frightened, and simply tosses a "Ya all right?" Tarzan gives a meek "Sorry." I guess that sound is supposed to be blown gaskets, but it sounds like Tarzan might have discovered a waterfall. Tarzan pulls himself out of the window again. (This stunt brought to you by Toyota.) He obviously walks down a small set of stairs as he joins Jane by her side. Jane waits for someone to move the stairs, and then opens the door. She gets in and tries to start the car, but can't. "I guess we're walking," she says to Taran. What, no AAA? What about "AAAA-aaaahhh- aaaahhhh-AAAAHHH-AAAAHHH!" I can't believe we've watched this entire half-season without one jungle call. Bullshit. So before Jane abandons Sam's car in the middle of nowhere for colliding with molecules of oxygen, she asks Tarzan to help her rip off the license plate. Tarzan just yanks that thing off like it was held with a strip of double-stick tape. Jane says that if anyone sees Sam's car, they could be followed. Yeah, without that license plate, it could be anybody's 2003 gray Toyota Forerunner abandoned on the side of the road, on the way to Sam's family's cabin in upstate New York.

Meanwhile, back at Plot We Couldn't Care Less About, Gene tells Carey to run Jane's credit card, cell phone, outhouse, henhouse, blah, blah, blah canceledcakes. He tells Carey to keep doing it until he finds something. Carey asks about Sam. "Run his car, too," Gene says. And then he calls this guy Jeb. Wait. Is his name Carey, Jeb, or Bridgem? Oh, forget it. Gene sips his coffee from his girly Fiestaware, and then winces when the hot cup somehow makes his fake lip-scab hurt.

"So, John, what made you think you could drive a car?" Jane's a slow reader, or so we must surmise from the fact that her head's still in that one piece of paper she's been carrying around since they left Sam's car. "I saw people do it," Tarzan says. "People in city." Where? Your city was pretty devoid of cars, from what I've seen on this show. Jane says that was his first mistake, because people in the city can't drive. Try the veal, people. A police car pulls up behind them. Once again, Jane tells Tarzan to stay behind and let her deal with this. She tells him to try not to look like a fugitive. Jane tells the sheriff she's glad to see him, because they had a mishap with their car. Oh, good, Jane. Now they won't trace that car without plates to you. The sheriff says he saw that gray four-door, and asks what happened. Jane says that a bee flew in the window, and that she has a thing about bees. Jane sucks. "You from the city?" asks the cop. Jane says that she is, and asks if it's that obvious. The sheriff says that a tow truck is on the way. He offers to give them a lift to the garage, which is twenty miles away. Tarzan makes a guilty face, and I'm surprised he doesn't shout, "Jane! He'll take me back to the jungle!" Jane says she's got a friend who lives up the road, and that he'll give them a lift. "He's probably worried about us," Jane lies to a cop. And doesn't she think it's a little risky lying to a sheriff of a small cabin town where there's nobody around? I mean, the sheriff is going to know there's nobody up in that cabin. The sheriff checks out Jane's ass as she walks away, and asks her name. Jane lies and calls herself Dianna Morris. Miss Morris, wherever you are, I do believe you should sue. The sheriff says, "Your car's got no [sic] plates." "It did," Jane lies again. The sheriff takes a quick look at Tarzan, whose toes curl when he lies, and this kicks off some tribal flute. Jane looks guilty as hell. The sheriff tells her he'll stop by the garage later and check on them. Jane thanks him and walks away. The sheriff gets back into his car. He's got a rearview air freshener shaped like a fish.

Tarzan

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