Tarzan
For Love Of Country

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Pamie: F | Grade It Now!
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Every Which Way But Loose

"They'll be back," Tarzan informs Jane, the stupidest cop in the world.

Night. Howling. From me. Tarzan and Jane are still wandering. How big is Harrison County? Tarzan tells Jane that they need to move faster because "they" are close. Tarzan hears something and throws Jane to the ground and gets on top of her. That's the way to do it, Tarzan. She's not good at subtlety, anyway. Gene and Carey are right there, flashlights blaring. Good way to hunt, with a bright beam in front of you. And have these guys been ten feet away from each other for twelve hours? And how did Tarzan and Jane get right back in front of them again? FORGET IT. Anyway, of course it's Sam whose got the flashlight ("Hey, hey, hey! Sam! Sam!" he identifies himself), and not Carey, but apparently Tarzan thinks all black people look alike, and almost pounces on Sam, a man whose couch he's pawed. Way to sniff that out, Tarjohn. Also: good cop work, Sam. You catch criminals with those skills? Jane's on the ground in front of Sam, and he actually has to say this line: "Hey. I know I look crazy in hiking boots, but you don't gotta hide." And Jane, of course, has to say, "Sam, Thank God it's you." Sam guesses that "this whole Blair Witch, tricked-out, covered-in-scratches thing" means that Jane and Tarzan ran into Gene and Jeb. Jane says that they did. And Sam, brilliant cop he is, decides that they need to run to the car, back at the cabin, as fast as they can. And Tarzan, the only one who gets anything done around here, must stay to fight the bad guys, which he does, promptly. "Hey, hey!" shouts Sam when he sees Tarzan go in the other direction. "John, where are you going?" Jane asks. Tarzan says that he wants the bad guys to follow him. Jane says that she's not going to let him do that. "Take care of her," Tarzan tells Sam. Welcome to every single episode of Tarzan. "Let him go, let him go, let him go!" says Sam. Thrice.

Gene and Jeb hunt. Tarzan leaps from a tree. "There," says Jeb "Captain Obvious" Carey. And then Gene just stands there for fifteen seconds.

Jane thinks they should have left Tarzan. Sam thinks they need to get to the sheriff. "And bring more cops down here?" Jane whines. "No way." She turns back to get Tarzan. Right. Sam stops her and reminds her that Gene and Jeb have shotguns, and she's got nothing. He says they need some help. He walks over to his car and opens the door. As he starts to turn the key, he looks over at Jane, wondering why her ass isn't in the car yet. Is she waiting for an invitation? No. See, Jane -- herself the worst cop in the world -- is partner to the second-worst cop in the world. So neither of them heard Gene (who must have a space/time portal that allowed him to run behind them while also being where Tarzan was), who walked through sticks and fallen leaves to put a gun to Jane's head. Jane instantly goes limp, looking at the ground. "I guess I could have thrown an elbow or something," my friend Laura says in falsetto at the television. "But then how would some big, strong man save me from this?" Martha joins in, "I mean, I guess I could have made a noise or kicked him or tried to stop him or something, since none of us saw a man approach me as we walked to the car. Oh, well!" We continue in this manner all through the commercial break.

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Tarzan

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