Tarzan
For Love Of Country

Episode Report Card
Pamie: F | Grade It Now!
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Every Which Way But Loose

Gene and NoName show up at the "lodge" in Hamilton County. Gene introduces himself to the sheriff, and solves our "dilemma" by introducing the other one as Jeb Carey. What a terrible name. But "Jeb" is easy to type. Sheriff Tim asks Gene if he tangled with a bear. Gene's lip cut is worse today than it was yesterday. He touches it and laughs, admitting that he did something like that. He says tjat the animals in the city aren't as polite as bears are. He says that they are in town to help some friends who got "conked" on the side of the road. Sheriff Tim tells them that it's a gray four-door. Jeb describes Jane as a "nice-looking brunette." Why do they always try to make us think that Jane's got brown hair? Sheriff Tim calls Tarzan a "hippie" who wears no shoes. He says he thought they might have stolen the car. Gene says it's their buddy Sam's car. Oh, who cares about this scene, right? It doesn't matter. Let's get back to the stupid cabin fever. At least that's mostly silent.

Dammit. I forgot about Sam. He shows up at work and complains about picking up a Saturday shift when there are five college football games on. The guy at the front tells Sam he's sorry about his car. Sam asks what he's talking about. He tells him that they found his car...you already know all this. Car in ditch. Gene and Jeb are on it. Sam and Jane are bad cops. Moving on. When Sam runs out of the precinct -- presumably to go retrieve his stolen, crashed car -- the guy at the desk actually calls out, "Hey, Sam? Where you goin'?" What? Do people read these scripts before they shoot them?

"John!" Jane screams up toward the trees. "Where are you?" Tarzan's in a tree, of course. "Come on," he calls to her. "John, are you mad at me for what I said last night?" Are we in the tenth grade, or eleventh? Wait, wait, wait! Tarzan took off his shirt! But he keeps bending forward, knees up, so we only see his shoulders and part of a nip. Boo! Tarzan asks why he'd be mad. Jane blinks an answer. Tarzan tells her to climb the tree. Jane: "Um. You know what, John? I've never really climbed a tree and I don't see any reason to break a perfect streak." Tarzan accuses Jane of being afraid, and jumps down to help. Jane says she's not afraid. And because you watched Episode Seven of a show that's already been cancelled, you inflicted this scene upon yourself. The music kicks in, and Jane decides she'll try climbing the tree. She drops her sweater and tells Tarzan to move over. And this tree, in the abandoned whatever forest of whatever? It's got a wooden ladder nailed to it. And Jane, who sucks? Jane, who's a total girl, she flails around trying to climb a ladder. She slides and falls. Tarzan tells her it's easier barefoot, so she takes off her shoes. They flirt. Tarzan leaps up the tree. Thank you for that shot, cameraman! Jane is similarly stunned into silence. Then she climbs up the ladder. Didn't this cop have to scale anything to earn her badge? The tree has a rope, which Tarzan unties. Wait. Is this the tree of One Tree Hill? Jane and Tarzan then swing on the rope over the lake. Wait. Is this Young Americans? Tarzan's and Jane's stunt doubles swing back to the tree and out to the water again, where Tarzan lets go, and they fall in slow motion to the water. They come up in slow motion, and they're too far away for us to enjoy them wet and happy. They splash at each other in slow motion. It is as joyless as it is sexless. I'd rather watch cats hump at this point.

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Tarzan

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