Tarzan
For Love Of Country

Episode Report Card
Pamie: F | Grade It Now!
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Every Which Way But Loose

Previously: Doesn't matter anymore.

Sam's doorbell buzzes at 3:23 in the morning. Sam is currently showing more skin than we've seen on this show in a while. The buzzing turns to pounding on the door. Then it's buzzing again, as Sam slowly wakes up and checks the time.

The buzzing and pounding continue as Sam meanders into his kitchen, dumbfounded fact that someone could be at his house in the middle of the night. Not a very active cop, I guess. "Hey!" he screams. "Who is it?" And that "hey" right there? That's the "hey" I'm taking as a shout-out. "Jane," answers a man's voice. And what Sam says next should be grounds to stop recapping right the fuck now. Just forget next week and move on with our lives and pretend this never happened. Because Sam actually says this: "Jane? Doesn't sound like Jane." Sam then looks through the peephole. We see Jane on Tarzan's shoulder. "Sam?" she now calls out. "Oh, my God," says Sam as he unlocks both locks on his door. "Quick! Get in, get in, get in!" Do you think Sam's tendency to repeat things is a script problem, or the actor's fault?

Sam put a shirt on, so I'm bored again. Jane apologizes for going to Sam's. Why the F would they go to Sam's, anyway? Does she think the police wouldn't think to look for her there? Sam tells Jane to shut up and ice her head. Sam, you had me at "shut up." "Sam, we might have been followed," says Jane. "John, were you?" asks Sam. "Pam, how the fuck did this show make eight episodes?" you ask me. "Y'all, I don't know." Tarzan says they weren't followed, and that's good enough for Sam. "There you go," he says. "I want to know right now, Jane. Who the hell did this?" Jane plays all coy and damsel-in-distress-y, enough that I'm so tired of her. I truly am. Sam asks if it was Gene. Jane reluctantly admits that it was. Why the hesitancy, Jane? Sam says "dammit" and "son of a bitch," because that's what angry cops do. Jane: "Sam, let it go. We gotta find someplace safe for John." Just let it go, Sam. Jane likes getting beat up by men and saved by monkeys. That's her thing. Don't judge her. Sam says that there isn't a safe place ("Jane."), since Tarzan's a cop killer. Blink, blink. "Then where do we go?" Jane asks. It's like exactly the same dialog in every single episode. Doesn't this show have a writer's room? Sam thinks for a second, and then opens a drawer in his entertainment center. He hands Jane the keys to his family's cabin upstate. Aw, man. Fuck the previews for this show. Didn't they make it look like they were going to be trapped in a jungle somewhere? I don't need some Blair Witch bullshit. Sam just now remembers his upstate New York hiding place, and suggests that Jane and Tarzan go hide out there for a while until he figures out what they should do. I wish we were going to see the ninth episode -- the one where Sam and Jane go to jail for ten years. Jane remembers that she has a sister, one who hasn't seen her for a couple of days. Sam says that he'll take care of UselessNicki. Aw, yeah! Baw-chicka-bom- bah-na-nah-na!

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Tarzan

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