Tarzan
Pilot (1)

Episode Report Card
Pamie: B- | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Me Tarzan. You WB. Me Flimsy Premise. You Low Standards.

"Tribal" music. Chrysler Building. This could be the opening for SNL, but no. We're in Tarzan Country. We leap from tall building to tall building in a single bound, but it's not Superman. And we swing from one area of New York to another, but it's not Spider-Man. We soar and leap, soar and leap, over the darkened New York sky, hovering between bridges, along busy streets, in the middle of Times Square until...we're headed right for a building! We're going to crash! Shortest show ever! Aaahhh!

We're okay. We're in a laboratory of some kind. There's a shirtless man tied to a table, but we can't see his face due to the large scientific lamps. The pretty, shirtless man struggles, and the enemies in black train their guns on him. He makes grunting sounds as he pulls at the chains that bind him to the metal table. A man enters through the cage bars. We know he's a scientist from his white coat. He takes a gigantic syringe from another white coat. They smirk at each other as the pretty man continues struggling. The scientist approaches the pretty man, whose grunting only makes him hotter. "Easy now," the scientist says. "Just need to borrow some blood." But see, this show, this Manhattan is filmed in Toronto, and it's totally given away in the first line, when Mr. Scientist says "boorow."

Interior shot of the laboorowtory window. There are some lights, and the sounds of a crash. A man wanders into frame, thinks for a second, and then checks out the window. He pants, gasps, can't believe what his scientist glasses are telling him!

Then we see it: the lab is completely demolished. Every piece of glass shattered. The table is overturned. Three men pose in the "passed-out from monkey concussion" stance -- each with one arm out or over his head.

Scientist 3 gasps as someone hits all of the keys on his keyboard. We see the scientist from behind and then the pretty man leaps all the way up to the window somehow. CRASH! He's through the window, on top of Scientist 3! Alarms are sounding! Glass is smashing! It's on!

For some reason, all of the lights are off now, and the bad guys have to use their flashlights with their guns as they slowly make their way down the hallway, looking for the pretty man. They turn a corner. There he is! He starts to crawl, as if he's ape-like, but evolution happens in less than a second, as he stands and runs the rest of the way. The men with guns begin firing, which makes the pretty man have to jump into the air and bounce off a wall, through a doorway. I'll bet he's Tarzan!

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Tarzan

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