Tarzan
Pilot (1)

Episode Report Card
Pamie: B- | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Me Tarzan. You WB. Me Flimsy Premise. You Low Standards.

The camera swoops around Tarzan as he rocks back and forth, touching his forehead to his hands. He stops for a second, and looks up quickly with an exhale. Jane sees this. Tarzan takes about two leaps and is suddenly up at the observation window, staring at Jane. They stare at each other, open-mouthed and slightly panting. "Hello," Tarzan says, plain as day. Hysterical. He might have just run his hand through his hair and gone, "Hey, 'sup?" And Clayton makes this face that makes me think that this whole "mute" thing was just bullshit, but I read somewhere that Clayton was supposed to be angry that Tarzan chose to speak to Jane first. In any case, right now I'm voting for Clayton being a gigantic liar, and that Tarzan's been chatty ever since they found him in the jungle. "Hi," Jane says. Clayton hits a button, and a wall comes shooting down over the window. He tells Jane that John's had enough excitement for one day. He backs away, leaving Jane to wander around, still mouth-breathing.

Down in the lab, someone's put his fancy tranq gun in its fancy tranq case. We follow his white lab coat over to where Tarzan has passed out on the ground. Two men in black pick him up and lift him to a bed. As they buckle him in, we focus on one of their badges, which reads Level 1. The camera pans over to the fourth guy fastening Tarzan to a bed -- his badge is missing! The MIBs leave, using one of their badges to open the door. As the "tribal" music gets more insistent, we see Tarzan finger the stolen badge, flip it so we can read the "Level 1," and then slide it under his perfect ass. He could have just used one of the seventeen utility pockets on his cargo pants, but whatever.

Fake Norah Jones music plays as Jane slow-dances with Michael. Man. I want more Tarzan! Jane looks over Michael's shoulder, through this tiny window in the restaurant that overlooks only Greystoke Industries. That's odd. Michael busts out from nowhere, "Okay, so when you describe me? Graceful's not the word you'd use." He asks what she's thinking. "I love you," she lies. "You know that, right?" Michael says he does, but wonders what the deal is. She took him out to dinner, went dancing. I guess she skipped that forensics seminar. He says it's unexpected. She says they could use a little unexpectedness. "But if you don't like it, we could..." she starts. Michael says he loves it. "This is a, this is a great idea." They kiss, and that's when asshole Michael's cell phone goes off. Dude, it's a nice restaurant. Put it on vibrate. Holy crap. Jane actually says, "Is that a cell phone in your pocket or..." Oh, I bet originally it was on vibrate, and that's why she says that. Otherwise, huh? Michael leans into her face and says it can wait. "We both know that it can't," she says. He takes the call. "Yeah," he says. "I can't hear you. Please hold." He tells Jane he has to take the call and apologizes to her rolling eyes. He kisses her forehead and leaves. Jane looks after him as the camera swoops around to face her. Over her shoulder, we see an elderly couple, actually happy to be together, unlike Jane, who would like to be swing dancing with a monkey, if you know what I'm sayin'. And if you do, please tell me, because I don't. Heh. In the original pilot it is Norah Jones playing. Huh, but the cell phone still rings.

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Tarzan

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