Tarzan
Pilot (1)

Episode Report Card
Pamie: B- | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Me Tarzan. You WB. Me Flimsy Premise. You Low Standards.

Lordy. Typical swirly-cam shot of Times Square with Tarzan staring up at tall buildings. Loud music plays. Hee. On the original pilot it's "Hot in Herre." Tarzan hears jungle drums and makes his way over to a group of men beating on plastic containers. Jane makes her way through the crowd (all middle-aged or older people, smiling and bopping to the beat, as tourists do), apologizing for bumping into the scores of people gathered to watch five men beat on plastic containers. Tarzan has found home, and must crouch nearby to watch the men beat with sticks. He misses Cheetah. Oh. There are times when this boy isn't so hot. This is one of those times. This model isn't a smiler, y'all. Aw. Jane looks so smitten it is weird. She's all awed by him liking the drums. She crouches next to him and says they're looking for him. "Come on," she says. "Let's get you home." Whoa. Very different on the pilot. Right here Tarzan freaks out when he gets out of the crowd. He gets all scared, and makes eye contact with a bunch of people as the drums fade away and he breathes hard. He looks around. Jane looks at him as he stares at her, confused. Then she's behind him, somehow, so that's crazy. He keeps staring people down, panting. They look back at him. The drums start up again as Jane gets in his face, asking if he's all right. He doesn't say anything, but looks upset. She tells him it's okay, and tells him to follow. Then we pan down for the next scene. Huh. Wonder why they cut that. Maybe because the cop, and not the boy from the jungle, is supposed to sense the serial killer.

We pan down underneath the street, past the drums, to the rather clean sewers underneath the subway. Our serial killer approaches a sleeping homeless man. He douses the man with kerosene from the insecticide container. The man wakes up, coughs, and asks what the killer is doing. The serial killer lights a match from what looks like his neck. "Pest control," he Buffalo Bills, and tosses the match on the man, who immediately bursts into silent flame. No screaming. Death is immediate, and the serial killer didn't even have to take a step back. Wow. How efficient.

Jane thinks she's on a date with Tarzan. It's a little embarrassing. As they pass a horse and carriage, Jane giggles, "Hey, slow down! Where are you going?" Tarzan immediately flings himself up a tree like Michael Jackson writing a song. "Up a tree," she says. "Great." She asks how Tarzan got out in the first place: "How did you find me? Are you some kind of bloodhound or something?" "I hunt," Tarzan says with a smile. "I hunted for you." Tarzan and Jane, sitting in a tree. L-I-T-E-R-A-L-L-Y. Tarzan jumps down and asks, "What are you called?" "My name?" Jane answers, which should confuse Tarzan, but it doesn't. And I think it's bullshit that sometimes he's a jungle boy, and other times he's a college graduate. "Jane...Porter." Tarzan repeats: "Jane. Porter. I am Tarzan." Jane would get warned on the forums with her next statement: "Um...? I thought your name was John." The piano in this scene is terrible. Tarzan spins Jane to face the ever-present Greystoke Industries building to say, "He calls me John." He says he's not going back. "I'm sorry," Jane says. "But I have to take you back." Tarzan whines, "He keeps me caged." Jane -- eye shadow still impressively impeccable -- says, "How do I explain this?" You retarded ape.... "You belong there. And you'll be safe there. And that's the law and I'm a cop and it's what's right." Oh. Well, when you put it in that twisted logic. What law? ["Seriously. I'm pretty sure Tarzan of age by now, if my math is right, and if he isn't, Jane the old bag shouldn't be falling in love with him." -- Wing Chun] Tarzan says, "No, it's not." He backs away and walks off. Jane crosses her arms and says she doesn't understand: "Your uncle? I thought he saved your life." Tarzan pulls one side of his shirt down to expose precious flesh, flawed with a scar. "He did not save me," Tarzan says. Reaction shot. Close-up. Reaction shot. Jane's got all kinds of smarts: "That's a gunshot wound." Tarzan must look away in shame. Jane asks what happened to him. Tarzan kicks off the flashback: "It was when I was free."

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Tarzan

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