Pilot (1)

Episode Report Card
Pamie: B- | Grade It Now!
Me Tarzan. You WB. Me Flimsy Premise. You Low Standards.

Gunshot. Jungle. Tarzan's in a tree, hair incredible, scars streaked down one shoulder. "It was when I was home." He looks down from his perch and sees men walking near a discarded gorilla costume. One man punches another. Tarzan grunts. "This is not a hunting expedition," we hear Clayton say. A very sweaty Clayton turns to the side and tells someone to put the monkey out of her misery. We see that the man who was punched is the head MWF, who I guess shot a gorilla for fun. Tarzan takes a step forward just as the head MWF cocks his rifle and pumps bullets through the gorilla costume. Tarzan leaps down with a sound effect, and Clayton looks up, shocked. There's the sound of bones breaking, of a man's muffled shout, the sound of a spear, and then we see Tarzan fly up in the air, trapped in a net. All the men on the ground point their guns in different directions. We hear more growling, and the sound of branches breaking. A rustling! The head MWF moves toward the sound. He shoots! Tarzan falls from the trees to the ground. A shocked Clayton holds his tiny gun still and looks terrified. He runs over with his crew to Tarzan. How does Tarzan know this in a flashback if he's unconscious? Clayton figures out that it's a man once he strokes back his pretty hair. Then he finds the necklace. "Could this...?" he starts. "John!" he whispers.

Flashback over. "I'm so sorry," Jane says. About what, exactly? The gorilla? Getting shot? Getting rescued from the jungles of Congo? Tarzan walks over and says he's glad he's there. "What?" Jane asks. This whole cast has Videogame Questionitis, the method of getting exposition out of someone by having one character talk while the other just keeps repeating the last word or asking "What?" to every statement. "How can you say that after everything you've gone through?" Tarzan says, "Because I've found you." Jane laughs in his face. "Right," she says. "You don't even know me." Oh, we know you, Jane Porter. Tarzan sidles up behind her, right over her shoulder, and sniffs her hair. The incredibly bad music pipes in here, "Hold on! You said." Jane doesn't move, but lets Tarzan circle her, sniffing her head. "And I held on!" Tarzan exhales over her shoulder. He drags his nose over her shoulder. "No, no, no, no," Jane whispers. "No, this is crazy. You don't, uh...I can...I can't." They face each other. Tarzan doesn't look pretty again. They pant, staring. Their skin is the only illumination in the city. "Right," she whispers. "This from a guy who walks barefoot in Manhattan." Okay. Jane tells him to come with her. "Your voice," Tarzan says. "I'm fine," she lies. "Come on." As the singer sings about someone giving of their life, Jane leads Tarzan right into the line of fire. Cop cars circle, and they cuff Tarzan, who can't believe Jane would betray him right after he sniffed her like that. He starts to run, but she tells him that they'll hurt him if he tries to go. Where did Tarzan get a ponytail holder? When? Jane tells the cops to go easy on him, but nobody listens because this crazy guy isn't wearing any shoes! Meanwhile, someone is burning to death just below the street they are standing on. Tarzan so upset! Tarzan seriously bummed out! Tarzan and Jane stare at each other, panting, as the guitar wails. Oops. I just ripped my bodice!

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