Pilot (1)

Episode Report Card
Pamie: B- | Grade It Now!
Me Tarzan. You WB. Me Flimsy Premise. You Low Standards.

"Sam," Jane says into her radio. "Sam, are you there?" She really doesn't care who hears her now. And she must have heard something that made her radio in, but she doesn't care enough to run to check on him. He's not answering, so he must be fine. In the background, the television tells us, "He's crazy! I didn't do it!" The television turns off, a split second too late Jane whips around, scared. She points her gun at the turned-off television. Shoot it! Jane whips her flashlight over to the electrical socket and sees that someone has unplugged the TV. No remotes for this serial killer. And as Jane stares down the socket, trying to figure out why the television isn't working, we see BugMan approach her, ready to ask if she's about a size fourteen. But he makes a creaking sound on the wooden floor! Jane spins, she sees him, she gasps! She goes to hit him with her gun. Yes, this cop's first instinct with her gun is to hit someone with it. There's a struggle. The gun falls, and then it goes off, because I guess Jane had already cocked it, but didn't feel like shooting it when someone was attacking her.

The gunshot soundwaves, carrying with them the sound of Jane shrieking, make their way through the abandoned warehouse over to some part of Manhattan where Tarzan stands on a roof, waiting. He hears that Jane is in trouble. His superpower: he's a great listener. And no split ends! We hear his heart pound, his breath pant. His hair undulates. He leaps, growling.

Jane is punching the shit out of BugMan. Doesn't think to pick up her gun and shoot, though. And Sam is no help at all. BugMan tosses Jane into some crockery. She kicks him and then hits him in the head with a pot. He punches her in the stomach and flings her across the room. He picks her up and throws her into a wall. The wall shatters and they fall through it! They're both stunned, covered in dust. Be careful, Buffalo Bill; she falls for anyone who pays attention to her. You could be her next fixation. He stands up, panting. She struggles to get up. He saunters over to the bookcase, and then knocks it over onto her. Jane is trapped underneath the bookcase. Hee. It totally looks like she gets crushed. And somehow she turns around under there. "I can't go to jail," Buffalo Bill says. "My father died in jail." Wha? He's Edward Creal's son? How old was Edward Creal, dude?

SMASH! Spider-Man crashes through the glass ceiling (every apartment in New York has a skylight, doncha know)! Wait. I'm sorry. I mean, the Hulk smashes into the.... Sorry, sorry. Tarzan jumps in and beats up the bad guy with his simian strength. He punches and swings, punches and swings. He jumps off a wall, spins, somersaults, flings around this warehouse that looks like the place where Ren McCormick did his big angry beer-fueled dance number in Footloose. The bad guy has a huge pipe. "John!" screams Jane. "I already told you! Call me Tarzan!" I wish he'd say. BugMan hits Tarzan in the face. NOT THE PRETTY FACE! NO! YOU BASTARD! He hits him again. Jane -- the cop trained to protect and to serve -- screams, "No!" And then, weakly, crying, moans, "Get him!" Tarzan does a backward leap to his feet and stops the pipe mid-swing. He flings BugMan into some barrels. "Whoa!" BugMan says, as he falls head-first to the ground. Tarzan turns, pants, and once again lifts Jane up by one arm. She easily comes out of that overturned bookcase, without so much as a leg pinned. "Are you hurt?" Tarzan asks her. Obviously not. She could have just crawled out! Oooh-wee, he's got pretty hair. "I'll survive," Jane pants. "Let's go get Sam," she says, turning to leave. The struggling hand of immortal serial killers rises! It grabs one of those handheld firetank things. BugMan lights his torch and makes his way over to the barrels of insecticide. "Oh, my God!" Jane says. As BugMan slowly, slowly, s-l-o-w-l-y brings the flame to the chemicals, Tarzan leaps into the air over and over again, and falls onto BugMan. "John!" Jane screams.

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