Tarzan
Pilot (1)

Episode Report Card
Pamie: B- | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Me Tarzan. You WB. Me Flimsy Premise. You Low Standards.

Head MWF finds Clayton and asks, "What now?" Clayton exhales and says, "He can't be dead." That's probably a pretty safe bet, this being the pilot and all. "Keep looking." I think I see a tear in Clayton's eye!

Jane's place. Bathroom. We hear the shower water get turned off. At that same second, Jane opens the curtain. She's already wrapped up in her towel, her hair dry enough to swing around her shoulders. Brilliant. Jane stares at herself in the mirror, as all women torn between two men do. She hears a thump in the other room. Jane pulls her robe tighter, and turns off the bathroom light, to draw attention to herself. She grabs her nearby gun and sees that her bedroom window is open. She jumps into her bedroom, gun raised, and of course, Tarzan is standing there. They're bathed only in moonlight. He's covered in soot, with two gentle scratches near his eye. She's panting. He's waiting. "Oh, my God. You're all right," she finally says. He smiles. She runs up to him, tossing her gun onto the bed. She breathes and laughs in his face, and immediately realizes he can't stay in the city. Her eye makeup is awesome for having just taken a shower. She says they have to get him back home. "No," he says. Jane says that with everyone thinking he's dead, now's his chance to escape. "No," he says again. "I don't belong there." But you're Tarzan. Of the Jungle. Oh, wait. That's George. "What do you mean?" Jane soap-opera-acts. He leans in: "I belong with you." She blinks three times. He leans in and sniffs. She rolls her eyes back in orgasmic glee. And suddenly, right when I'm starting to get tingly, fucking Avril fucking Lavigne starts her moaning. Crap! She sings that infernal "I'm With You" song as Tarzan sniffs and sniffs and rubs his head like my cat does to my hand in the morning when he wants to be fed. Jane's totally digging it, even though Tarzan's all sooty.

Suddenly, Tarzan sees the door open. He leaps away as Jane turns to the door. It's Nicki. She asks if Jane's okay. Jane, flabbergasted, looks around but doesn't see Tarzan. The curtains blow in the window as Avril wails, "Isn't anyone trying to find me?" Jane runs to the window and leans out, trying to find Tarzan. It's a damn stupid song.

Night sky. Pan across to the top of some other building, where Tarzan is perched on the roof again, staring. He stands up, majestically, as Avril reaches her most screechy point. He stands majestically as a building is illuminated behind him. Where did Tarzan get jeans? With flares? Mmm. Tarzan stands in the wind, the only tolerable shot they keep repeating in this soap opera. We slowly fade to black. Weren't those extra six minutes worth it?!?

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Tarzan

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