Pilot (1)

Episode Report Card
Pamie: B- | Grade It Now!
Me Tarzan. You WB. Me Flimsy Premise. You Low Standards.

Something shatters! It's unclear what, but that's okay! Keep moving! Action! Tarzan runs through another, very similar-looking hallway.

The flashlight guys are moving ever so slowly through the hallway, trying to find the jumping monkey-boy. "Subject is on level 3-4," one says to the other. Which one? Three or four? Which one!? The men follow their flashlights into what looks like a supply closet. Suckas! Tarzan tosses them out of another window, like the opening teaser of every episode of ER!

Now the alarms are really pissed off, and they kick it to high gear as more flashlight guys are deployed to shine their lights through other windows, and walk around in ski masks and dark clothes.

Another guy finds his way into another room, and he lowers his flashlight gun since there's a dim blue light in this room. And even though everybody's being really quiet, they keep their radios on full-blast, so I'll bet Tarzan knows they're coming. They quickly figure out that Tarzan must have escaped to outside, because the Venetian blinds on one window are crooked just a bit, just like how they usually are when you can't get the strings to line up, or when you have a pet who loves to fuck with the Venetian blinds. Anyway, these guys with guns are really good, because they determine that Tarzan must be outside. The guy sticks his head out the window. Aw, man. It's raining! Of all the days. He doesn't see anything below him, like a dead Tarzan splat on the road. Instead, he sees these tiny buildings that are supposed to represent New York from high up. Hi, Matchbox cars and shoebox buildings! So...maybe.. he just might...could he be....The man spins, looks up, and...D'oh! He's climbing to the roof! Barefoot! In amazing-fitting pajama pants! "He's headed up to the roof!" our smart guy informs everyone. He then makes a head-jerk to the left, where the roof...isn't.

Tarzan climbs to the roof. He gasps. We see bullethole wounds on his shoulder, his necklace against his naked, wet torso. He's breathing hard. He's wet. He spins for no reason, gasping, spinning. The music is majestic. Tarzan has amazing back muscles, and that pull of muscles right over the ass -- well, thank you, costume department, for rolling Tarzan's pants and tucking them in to expose as much of this man's naked torso as possible. Emmys for you. Tarzan runs and tries to hide behind the loud music, because the Men With Flashlights are back, and they are so angry to be out in the rain! They are looking around, standing in a cluster, when Tarzan leaps into the air with a grunt! Quick editing flashes as we see Tarzan leap and fall, leap and fall! Tarzan kick! He spin! He fling around like Keanu Reeves! He hold onto one man while kicking another!

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