Tarzan
Pilot (1)

Episode Report Card
Pamie: B- | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Me Tarzan. You WB. Me Flimsy Premise. You Low Standards.

Opening title card. Shit, y'all. This will be the best three episodes of fun we ever have together.

"[birds chirping]" says the closed captioning. We pan down from some lovely Pottery Barn drapes to a photograph of a woman and a man together, and then to an alarm clock that turns...6:30. Music plays. The redheaded woman "wakes up" by turning her perfectly made-up face toward her arm.

Quick shot of woman doing a pull-up.

Quick shot of her doing a push-up.

A sit-up.

Another pull-up. Legs crossed this time.

Push-up.

Stomach crunch.

Pull-up. This lady does everything out of order.

My favorite. Shot of the shower. The camera zooms in. She's rinsing her hair, the shower curtain open.

Fully dressed, the woman grabs her keys. Her cell phone. Her gun. Her ammo. She locks and loads, checking herself out in the mirror. Jane loves herself, but she's still deciding on growing out those bangs.

Seconds later: different song, television playing in the background, Jane pours herself a strawberry smoothie. The television isn't on, so maybe it's the radio we hear? "Morning," a blonde in pajamas says to Jane, who quickly identifies her for us as Nicki. She asks Nicki about the dishes from last night. Nicki takes a second before making this deliberate pageant-worthy spin on her heels and sauntering over to Jane to deliver the master line: "I move away from Mom only to move in with Mom, the sequel." The two women don't say anything here, but the closed-captioning guys appear to have a little fun by immediately writing "[groan] [chuckle]." It's because Jane offers Nicki some of her smoothie, but Nicki wishes she lived in the dorms. See how quickly we're establishing relationships and ages? Jane tells Nicki that she could live in the dorms if she gets two jobs and works her way through school like Jane did. "I'd rather rob a bank," Nicki pouts. Jane says that if Nicki did that, Jane would have to arrest her. Notice Jane's amazing eye shadow here. It will never falter for the next sixty minutes. In case we haven't figured out that they're related, Nicki here is amazed that Jane would arrest "[her] own sister." Jane turns to the front page of The New York Post, where a cop gets his or her news, and sees INFERNO KILLER ON THE STREETS. NYPD Manhunt! "Hey, check it out!" Jane laughs. "It's Michael!" We hold on the bottom right corner of the newspaper, where there's a picture of a man in a suit. The caption reads, "Detective Michael Foster speaks to the media." That's what a good newspaper caption tells you, exactly what you can already ascertain from the photograph. Jane then holds the paper up to display for Nicki, who once again saunters over to say, "Wow! He looks good." She leans down and sighs. "Is he amazing or what?" Jane asks. "Why's he dating you again?" Nicki asks, prompting the stink-eye from Jane. Nicki laughs, and stands back up again. Jane then sighs and turns over the newspaper, sick of it already. "Hey, what's wrong?" Nicki asks, immediately concerned. Jane sighs, and says, "It's just...working a case like that. Can you imagine how great that would be?" "You'll get there," Nicki assures her. "Yeah," Jane says, in full soap-opera mode. "Right." She walks away.

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Tarzan

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