Tarzan

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Pamie: F | 553 USERS: C+
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You're Da-Vine, Yo

We open at Jane's. It's night. As Jane writes a to-do list (I only know that's what it is because I've already watched the episode once), the song tells us, "I can't remember what I planned tomorrow." This is a huge pet peeve of mine: having the lyrics of a song illustrate exactly what we're watching. MTV does it all the damn time. Nicki walks in, sees Jane writing, and says, "Uh-oh." That's Nicki's response to people writing in a notebook. She opens a cabinet and asks where the plates are. Jane says she moved them to the right so they'd be closer to the dishwasher. But the cabinet Nicki opens is both to the left and away from the dishwasher. Good job, everybody. The glasses are now moved closer to the sink, but Nicki re-opens the first cabinet she opened and finds them there. She asks where the silverware is now. Jane opens the drawer by her stomach and says they're closer to the table now, and everything is much more efficient. Nicki grabs some silverware and tells Jane that there are great medicines for people with her condition. Jane goes into the fridge and says she's trying to get her life organized after the "chaos of the past few weeks." Jane says it feels good.

Nicki checks the oven and comments that Jane is working on another list. Jane says there's nothing to worry about; she's just writing down a few chores. Nicki says they had agreed there would be no lists. Jane makes a list to say that "A -- [she] never agreed to a list." And she's actually making a set of guidelines. Nicki asks if Jane would like to talk about what's bothering them, but I'd rather talk about the acting business they're doing. Nicki has scraped a plastic plate of Mexican food leftovers onto her actual plate. Did she have the plastic container in the oven? That doesn't sound too safe. Jane is either making herself a glass of chocolate milk or she's about to pour maple syrup into some orange juice. Maybe she's on that cayenne pepper/maple syrup fast that's become so terribly trendy these days. Jane says she doesn't want to talk about anything, but that she's trying to get a grip because there are a few things on her mind. Be careful not to hurt yourself on the painfully bad writing that's fixing to blast your precious ears. "Let me guess," Nicki brats. "John Clayton." "Wrong," Jane says immediately. She then gingerly takes the spoon out of Nicki's hand as a piano plinks somewhere. "Okay, right," Jane says with a pout. She admits that she has feelings for Tarzan, and feels that she shouldn't, because it's so soon after Michael's death. "What kind of person am I?" she asks. And I know that Nicki's going to say "Human" because that's what ScriptWriter HackPro demands, but I don't predict the redundant twist on the English language that Nicki comes up with: "A human person." Luckily, Jane's reaction to that is wide-eyed silence, so it doesn't interrupt the strange guffaws that have me doubled over on my couch. Jane's cell phone rings. "Hey, Sam," she answers. We hear him say, "Hey." Because that's how every conversation on this show starts. Sam then says, "Get down here. There's been another one." Jane somehow knows exactly where to go and what Sam's talking about, because she simply says, "All right. All right. I'm on my way." Nicki asks what's going on, and Jane says there's been another sniper attack. Nicki stares, wondering what she's doing on this show.

Tarzan

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