Maybe next week's episode will just be a full hour of backstory, rhetoric, and "Previously." Could anything be cheesier than this opening exposition? "John Clayton -- a man raised in the jungle, then brutally abducted by his uncle -- finds himself thrown into a battle for the Greystoke empire. Falsely accused of murder, he and Jane form a bond of mutual protection to rise up against those who might harm them, protect those in need, and secure a future neither could have foreseen." To ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this season of The WB's Tarzan.
We open at Aunt Xena's jungle. Xena gets the first proper name in: "John? Knock, knock!" She's brought food to the jungle. How many weeks did she keep Tarzan locked in a room, forgetting she had a jungle in her house where he could live? Xena can't find Tarzan anywhere in the 6" x 6" greenhouse. "John?" Just as she's about to give up -- "John?" -- Tarzan does what he does best: he falls from the sky right next to her. Xena drops the silver tray of food. Actually, she kind of hurls it toward Tarzan, who falls to the ground and begins eating hungrily. As far as I can tell, this is the first time anyone's fed Tarzan in a month. No wonder he's hungry. Tarzan has no table manners, which is how we know he's not able to live free on his own in the jungles of Manhattoronto (shout-out to the forum posters who came up with that moniker). Tarzan's wearing a button-down shirt with the sleeves ripped off. Still no shoes. Xena bends down and watches Tarzan eat. It appears she's served him about seven string beans. "Glad you like it," Xena says. She teases him about forks and spoons. Tarzan stands up, and Xena teases him for ripping up the shirts she bought him, saying he must not have liked them very much. "I do now," Tarzan says. Still has no problem communicating, as far as I can see. Xena then buttons the front of his shirt, saying that it's okay to dress like that right now, but that when the winter comes, he'll have to get used to wearing more clothes. No, Xena! Bad! Get away from the nakedness! You're ruining everything! Xena flirts with Tarzan much more than Jane ever does, by the way. "Do you remember what winter is?" Xena asks Tarzan, who is currently grunting, for some reason. Tarzan looks up with his innocent face. It comes and goes, the dumbness -- just like the nakedness and the plot. "You remember your parents, don't you?" Xena asks. "Too many questions," Tarzan says through a full mouth, and backs away. Xena, of course, then says, "No, John. Wait a minute, John. John, wait." What's his name again? Tarzan then executes Obligatory Tarzan Shot #1: Tarzan perched on the edge of a roof, night shot of city skyline behind him. Xena asks where he goes every night. And for some reason, they let us see Travis Fimmel awkwardly descend the ladder leaning against the "rooftop." Xena then runs up to execute Obligatory Tarzan Shot #2: A woman leaning over a rooftop/window looking down to find out where Tarzan has gone off to. This is accompanied by Obligatory Tarzan Background Sound Effect #1: a police siren.