Rules Of Engagement

Episode Report Card
Pamie: F | Grade It Now!
You're Da-Vine, Yo

Greystoke. Night. I guess Mr. Ingram doesn't truly have heart palpitations and can leave his apartment because here he is at Clayton's place. "Donald," says Clayton. "Richard Clayton," says Donald Ingram. Now that once again we all know each other's names. Clayton tells him to sit. Twice. Ingram says he'd like to go home. Clayton says he will soon, but he wants to talk first. He asks about Jane and what he saw the night Michael was killed. Ingram says he saw the whole thing. "I want you to start at the beginning," Clayton says with a smile. "Tell me everything." Well, he won't be there too long. And this concludes your Minute with Mitch Pileggi.

Xena's. Everything's back from storage, which Jane sees as she enters. She says, "Good evening, Miss Clayton." Xena, after a long time, says, "Jane." Jane asks if Xena's moving. Xena: "Oh, no. That stuff belongs to my brother, John's father." Yeah, in less than a minute everybody had to re-identify themselves and how they are all related to each other. How dumb do they think we are? Jane asks how it is with Tarzan there. "It's been an adjustment," Xena says, meaning it's not much longer before she jumps him. She says she knows he's been through a lot lately, as has Jane. Blink. Blink. Xena says she knows just about everything, and that she's sorry about Jane's loss. "None of it was John's fault," Jane says. "Michael's death was an accident, and there's nothing anyone can do about that." Xena says that Tarzan appears to want to do something about it. Where is he now, at the top of the stairs? Blink. Blink. Xena says that Tarzan only wants Jane to be happy: "He seems to care a great deal about you." Jane says it gets a little hard sometimes. I'll say. Xena knows that Jane loves Tarzan, and tells her that he's upstairs. Jane leaves. Xena stares.

Fake jungle. Wind. Sirens. Jane enters the jungle. "John?" She looks around. She can't believe this jungle! She touches it with awe. "John?" She wanders around. She sees Tarzan crouched on a shelf. "I came by to explain," she says. "And to apologize." I grab a couple of Tums. Tarzan leaps down a little. "Um. Sometimes when things get confusing for me, I need rules to tell me what to do. But lately I've found myself breaking rules that I believe in and making up ones that I don't." Tarzan leaps forward -- and HE'S SHIRTLESS! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE SKIN. Blink. Blink. Jane: "I've been trying to explain right and wrong to you. But I think maybe you already know the difference. I should go." Jane tries to leave, but Tarzan has her by the wrist, and pulls her back: "Jane." He's all sweaty for some reason. He takes her hand and kisses it. Blink, blink. "John, I can't." Someone stop that stupid music! Tarzan takes Jane's hand and places it on his shaved chest. They stare at each other. Blink, blink. "John, I can't." Jane starts bawling. Lord. "[sobs]." Tarzan takes Jane's hand and puts it back somewhere, and strokes her cheek. He leaves. "[slow-tempo music plays]." Hee! Jane turns to what should be a pane of glass, but for some reason it's not right now, and a blast of wind hits her, whipping her hair up. She walks out to the edge of the roof. She looks around, but Tarzan is gone again. She clutches herself with both arms and looks up at the night, and this show once again ends with Jane looking out into the night, wondering what happened to Tarzan. I'm wondering what happened to Tarzan, and why we're watching a lame cop show instead.

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