Tarzan
Rules Of Engagement

Episode Report Card
Pamie: F | Grade It Now!
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You're Da-Vine, Yo

Tarzan takes a seat on another rooftop somewhere. He looks around. He walks. He stares down the night sky. We watch the wind whip around his hair. Tarzan is truly free! Then "[woman shouting in Spanish]" happens. Go, SuperTarzan! Go! SuperTarzan takes the fire escape down to a darkened (incredibly clean) alley, where a woman is struggling with an attacker over her purse. He flings her to the ground and she screams, but she's still holding onto her bag. The guy kicks her; she screams. Where are you, SuperTarzan?! There he is! SuperTarzan leaps to the ground, growling. The attacker knows that the only thing wussier than an old Spanish lady is a shoeless pretty boy. SuperTarzan stands, and gives a total Blue Steel face to the attacker. Then-- a gunshot! The attacker flies backward, making a yelping noise. He falls to the ground. Splash! Into a puddle. The Spanish lady screams and runs away. SuperTarzan looks upward, trying to figure out where the gunshot came from. Rapid shots of some other skyline somewhere in StockFootageLand show us that SuperTarzan is confused. SuperTarzan slowly walks toward one of the brick walls, staring up at what we're supposed to think are darkened buildings, but they just showed us that where he'd be actually staring is at the fire escape of the building he just dropped down from. Well, maybe SuperTarzan can also see through buildings. SuperTarzan makes his ugly face (the one where you can see all of his teeth) as he leans into some kind of alcove, worried about someone stronger than SuperTarzan out there, fearful of SuperTarzan's latest foe.

Pamie's greatest foe is the jackhole who created these opening credits. I'm currently hiding in an alcove of my own. Finally the closed captioning confirmed my suspicion: that these were the worst opening credits lyrics of all time. Behold. "If we took all the pieces from the moon/ all these little slivers rise." What the fuck does that mean? "If you could look me in the eyes with love./ And tell me what you want to see./ If you could look me in the eyes with love./ And make me how you want to be./ And try to make me what you want to see./ And try, try, oh."

We open at Jane's. It's night. As Jane writes a to-do list (I only know that's what it is because I've already watched the episode once), the song tells us, "I can't remember what I planned tomorrow." This is a huge pet peeve of mine: having the lyrics of a song illustrate exactly what we're watching. MTV does it all the damn time. Nicki walks in, sees Jane writing, and says, "Uh-oh." That's Nicki's response to people writing in a notebook. She opens a cabinet and asks where the plates are. Jane says she moved them to the right so they'd be closer to the dishwasher. But the cabinet Nicki opens is both to the left and away from the dishwasher. Good job, everybody. The glasses are now moved closer to the sink, but Nicki re-opens the first cabinet she opened and finds them there. She asks where the silverware is now. Jane opens the drawer by her stomach and says they're closer to the table now, and everything is much more efficient. Nicki grabs some silverware and tells Jane that there are great medicines for people with her condition. Jane goes into the fridge and says she's trying to get her life organized after the "chaos of the past few weeks." Jane says it feels good.

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Tarzan

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