Tarzan
Rules Of Engagement

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You're Da-Vine, Yo

Nicki checks the oven and comments that Jane is working on another list. Jane says there's nothing to worry about; she's just writing down a few chores. Nicki says they had agreed there would be no lists. Jane makes a list to say that "A -- [she] never agreed to a list." And she's actually making a set of guidelines. Nicki asks if Jane would like to talk about what's bothering them, but I'd rather talk about the acting business they're doing. Nicki has scraped a plastic plate of Mexican food leftovers onto her actual plate. Did she have the plastic container in the oven? That doesn't sound too safe. Jane is either making herself a glass of chocolate milk or she's about to pour maple syrup into some orange juice. Maybe she's on that cayenne pepper/maple syrup fast that's become so terribly trendy these days. Jane says she doesn't want to talk about anything, but that she's trying to get a grip because there are a few things on her mind. Be careful not to hurt yourself on the painfully bad writing that's fixing to blast your precious ears. "Let me guess," Nicki brats. "John Clayton." "Wrong," Jane says immediately. She then gingerly takes the spoon out of Nicki's hand as a piano plinks somewhere. "Okay, right," Jane says with a pout. She admits that she has feelings for Tarzan, and feels that she shouldn't, because it's so soon after Michael's death. "What kind of person am I?" she asks. And I know that Nicki's going to say "Human" because that's what ScriptWriter HackPro demands, but I don't predict the redundant twist on the English language that Nicki comes up with: "A human person." Luckily, Jane's reaction to that is wide-eyed silence, so it doesn't interrupt the strange guffaws that have me doubled over on my couch. Jane's cell phone rings. "Hey, Sam," she answers. We hear him say, "Hey." Because that's how every conversation on this show starts. Sam then says, "Get down here. There's been another one." Jane somehow knows exactly where to go and what Sam's talking about, because she simply says, "All right. All right. I'm on my way." Nicki asks what's going on, and Jane says there's been another sniper attack. Nicki stares, wondering what she's doing on this show.

Jane teleports to wherever it was that she instinctively knew to go. It's the alley from earlier, and there's a blanket over the body. Sam and Jane do that fake cop flirting that people do when first arriving on a crime scene. The dialogue is so retarded that I refuse to recap it here. Sam tells us that this is "victim number two." So how did they know this was a sniper attack if there weren't any witnesses? And how do they know there's a sniper on the loose if this is only the second person to be shot? The victim's name is Damon Flicker (which makes me giggle). He's twenty-one and goes to City College. You know the one. ["That actually is the real name of a real college in New York City." -- Wing Chun] Jane immediately looks upward and asks if they found a bullet. Sam says no -- that it sliced clean through him. How did they know what kind of gun shot him, then? If there are no witnesses, how do you know it's a "military round" gun? Jane says she's going to have a "look around," but if it's just an alley, where the heck is she going to go?

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Tarzan

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