Tarzan

Episode Report Card
839 USERS: C+
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Call Me "Tarzan," Dammit!

The boys have seriously booked it and are now walking through a parking garage, bragging about how awesome it was to have beaten up that nurse. One of them swears that they're going to videotape it next time, so at least we know the kids would have eventually been caught anyway. I love that one of them litters right then, just so we know how seriously bad these kids are. And they're all in prep-school uniforms. If there's one thing private-school kids do, it's wear their uniform at all hours, late into the night, to show their insignia whenever they commit assault and battery. Suddenly, there's a "[clanking]," as the closed captioning describes it, that silences all four boys. They start looking around like they're in The Pelican Brief. "What was that?" one asks. He sounds like Camp Jim. "We should bail," one concludes, and then he chirps his car alarm. These assholes took two different cars.Tarzan's suddenly on them, crazy wild and growling. There's slow-motion, and kicking, and anger. No shoes. No shoes! One of the kids suddenly has a bat, but Tarzan's ready for it. Then another kid's got a bat, and wears his hoodie like a cape, for some reason. Tarzan can handle that frat superhero, too. He flips kids around and punches them both in the face. One of the kids hits Tarzan in the back of the knee with his bat, sending Tarzan to the ground. Tarzan has a quick recovery time! He's totally fine. He lifts the kid under the legs and does a spin that we've seen every professional wrestler do. He throws the kid onto a car -- one that has glass for a windshield instead of that stuff they make windshields out of so they don't shatter. The car alarm goes off.

In a shot we've already seen before, Michael walks out of the stairwell door, gun drawn, making a beeline for Tarzan. He says that Tarzan isn't that hard to find. Then where the fuck is Jane? And how did he find Tarzan way up here on this really high parking garage far away? Where's Jane, I ask again? Tarzan makes a "You totally caught me! Boy, is my face red" face. Michael says that Tarzan makes a lot of noise, and that's why he's so easy to catch. Over and over. Tarzan gives that sigh of resignation as Michael calls in to Dispatch that he has the four suspects detained. He requests backup and an ambulance to Grand Access Parking. That's, like, three feet away. Why with all the running? Michael tells Tarzan to take it easy, and that his uncle's coming to take him home: "You'll be safe there." One of the kids then rolls off the hood of the car, and as Michael turns to point his gun at the kid, Tarzan escapes up the parking garage. Michael starts shooting at him. Dude, this exact sequence happened last week! Michael shoots a few pipes, which release steam, and then runs after Tarzan, leaving behind the four boys who have allegedly been attacking and raping women in Central Park and Grand Army Plaza. Nice work, Detective.

Tarzan

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