Tarzan
Secrets And Lies (2)

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Call Me "Tarzan," Dammit!

Jane enters her apartment (she only locks one of the four locks on her door) to find her creepy boyfriend waiting for her. Blink. And what does Jane say? You know the words: "Hey." Michael asks where she's been. Jane lies and says she got something to eat, because she was hungry. She asks if there's something wrong. Michael says there's something she needs to tell him. Okay, he gets really weird here and he's a little sweaty and he kind of whispers this entire scene here when he decides they should get married now. Jane says she thought Michael was okay with her taking time to decide. He asks why she needs time. "To think everything through," she says like it's a question. "Okay," Michael says. "But why?" Jane says she's not saying no. Michael asks what's changed. "Nothing's changed," Jane lies. Michael says he knows something's going on, and that he needs Jane to trust him. Jane says that she does trust him, and promises that everything is going to be okay. Michael, bummed out that he's playing second banana, says to forget he ever asked her to marry him. Jane is wide-eyed, open-mouthed, blinking. Michael goes to leave, but Jane asks him to wait. She says, "Wait! Michael! Michael! Michael, please don't leave!" Michael walks out the unlocked, open front door. Nicki walks in "sleepily" and asks, "Jane? What's going on?" Then she smiles and rubs her head. Well, Jane was just screaming for Michael not to leave, genius. What do you think's going on? Jane has no choice but to stand there, panting, blinking, open-mouthed. She sits and blinks a lot. Nicki asks what happened. Jane tries to cry and says she doesn't know.

We get an exterior shot of a car driving by a building on a dark street, signifying the passing of enough time for Jane to fill Nicki in on everything. "You haven't told Michael? About John, about any of this?" Nicki asks Jane. Jane says that she hasn't, but that Michael knows something is up. I'll say. "I love Michael," Jane says. Keep those three words in mind, because I think you'll see a very strange demonstration of "love" later on in the episode. Jane says she can't believe she's doing this to him. "And for what? For John? I mean, he can barely speak. He won't wear shoes." (a) He can totally speak. And (b) You've never offered a pair of shoes for him to wear. Nicki looks at Jane like, "This is all so romantic. My sister loves an apeman." Jane's still ranting about how Tarzan is uncontrollable and doesn't understand anything. "It's like he's from a different planet." The planet of the Republic of Congo, perhaps? "And my God, talk about a traumatic background!" Ba-dum-bum. Even Nicki has to squint and blink at that shitty joke. Jane then delivers the worst line of the episode: "What am I thinking? I'm not thinking. That's the problem." She leans forward and exhales. "Um," says Nicki. She asks if she's allowed to speak now. Um, you totally had the first line of the scene. Nicki says that maybe it's a good thing that Jane's not thinking. Wow, I thought Jane's lines were bad, but check this: "Mom always said you think too much. Maybe you should just listen to how you feel." Vomit. Everywhere. Jane says she's got to put Tarzan somewhere safe, but after that she's got to wash that primate right out of her hair: "I'm not gonna see him...ever again."

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Tarzan

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