Episode Report Card
Pamie: F | Grade It Now!
Leavin' On A Jet Plane

Cue the rain! Greystoke. Night. Clayton pretends to browse his library. He's still wearing the same outfit, even though days have passed. Wet, pouty Tarzan enters through some glass doors to the sound of "tribal" music. "John, you surprised me," Clayton says, smiling and flirting. This whole family has the hots for each other. "What are you here for?" Clayton asks. "The man you took," Tarzan says. "Let him go." Clayton says that Ingram is in good hands. "Why do you hurt people?" Tarzan asks, walking up to Clayton. Why does anybody hurt people, Tarzan? Sometimes this things just happen. Tarzan walks back and forth, the tears starting to show the more he bares his lower teeth. As he rocks back and forth, side to side, Clayton says that Tarzan's done nothing but cause Jane trouble: "You caused the death of her friend." Friend, fiance, whatever. Tarzan kiwis, "I keep 'er safe!" Clayton tells Tarzan that he makes Jane miserable. Tarzan screams that this is Clayton's fault. Why doesn't Clayton call in his men with flashlights and his goons? Clayton tells Tarzan that it's too late -- that Clayton tried to help Tarzan, but Tarzan spit in Clayton's face. No, Clayton, that mean love in gorilla speak, don't you know that? There is much panting and baring of the teeth as Clayton makes the wise move to turn his back on Tarzan, who almost jumps him, but stops himself because that might make the show interesting or entertaining for a second. Clayton tells Tarzan to learn the saying, "You make your bed and you lie in it." Tarzan makes a panther noise and grabs Clayton by the collar. He shoves Clayton to the wall. Clayton tells Tarzan to go ahead and kill him. Kill him or fuck him! Do it! Do it! "You're an animal." Do it! "You need to be caged." Yes! Tarzan drops Clayton. Emotionally destroyed, he flips his wet hair and leaves. So much for catching Tarzan, Clayton. We close our MWMP with Clayton gasping for breath. So much panting on this show.

Xena's doing some writing, catching up with her pen pals on crap syndication shows, wondering if any of them might have a guest spot for her. She opens her door and finds nothing. She turns back around to find Tarzan standing in her room, making a face that says, "Heeeeere's Johnny!" "John!" she says. "How'd you get in here?" The window? Like ALWAYS? Xena asks what's going on, and whether he's all right. I cannot stop laughing at this horrible dialogue. Tarzan says he wants to go home. "You are home," Xena says. Tarzan can't hide his accent as he destroys something and says, "Naught dis house! Naught dis city!" He smiles and gets real close. "My home. Home." Xena stares, and I get excited because this episode is almost over. Commercial.

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